Comments on: Counseling: The Repulsive Factor http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/ A struggle for freedom Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:38:00 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Cat http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12121 Cat Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:19:59 +0000 http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12121 Well I can certainly understand that, though I must admit I honestly hope she isn't repulsed at all. She seems to have settled for celibacy and maybe she is comfortable or resigned. But I can't imagine anyone being "happy" with it. I genuinely hope she makes the decision soon to do the work necessary to get past this. Well I can certainly understand that, though I must admit I honestly hope she isn’t repulsed at all. She seems to have settled for celibacy and maybe she is comfortable or resigned. But I can’t imagine anyone being “happy” with it. I genuinely hope she makes the decision soon to do the work necessary to get past this.

]]> By: diggerjones http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12120 diggerjones Fri, 04 Apr 2008 11:33:54 +0000 http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12120 I hadn't though about his suggestions based on Arwyn's input, FTN, but that's a good point. Still, I get the general impression that he relies an awful lot on stereotypes. Sometimes those fit and sometimes they don't, as I'm sure you know. I think he has some loose affiliation with Rosenau so this might give me some insight as to where he's coming from. Cat, I think I want Arwyn to just be honest and come out with it, if that's how she's feeling. The avoidance and denial has not been working well for us, so I want the truth so I can make my decisions based on that. If she's repulsed by me, i need to be able to get on with the grieving process and stop holding on to a false hope that there is something I can do to change that. she denies wanting to be celibate, but she is also a lot more willing and happy to live that way than I am. D. I hadn’t though about his suggestions based on Arwyn’s input, FTN, but that’s a good point. Still, I get the general impression that he relies an awful lot on stereotypes. Sometimes those fit and sometimes they don’t, as I’m sure you know. I think he has some loose affiliation with Rosenau so this might give me some insight as to where he’s coming from.

Cat, I think I want Arwyn to just be honest and come out with it, if that’s how she’s feeling. The avoidance and denial has not been working well for us, so I want the truth so I can make my decisions based on that. If she’s repulsed by me, i need to be able to get on with the grieving process and stop holding on to a false hope that there is something I can do to change that. she denies wanting to be celibate, but she is also a lot more willing and happy to live that way than I am.

D.

]]> By: Cat http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12118 Cat Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:31:13 +0000 http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12118 I swear Arwyn seems so wrapped in resentment and disappointment. I don't see how she can ever be affectionate with you until she admits that. I can remember feeling the "hate" for lack of a better word. The feeling like my ex had left me to deal with our son all on my own. The feeling that he didn't get me at all but wanted me to be intimate with him anyway. The feeling of isolation and disappointment is very strong and hard to break. And for me there was always the "aha".. I always felt like my ex just wanted me to admit I didn't want him to touch me anymore. Admit that he had disappointed me so much I wasn't sure if I could ever feel the way I did in the beginning. But not so he could work on anything but so he could say "aha" see you never wanted to get married, you never really loved me, you only married me to validate having sex with me before we were married. And then he could leave with a clear conscience. I am not sure where I am going with this except I get that feeling sometimes when reading your posts. Which is strange given the work you have put in and of course the forced celibacy that I could never live with. But I still get the feeling sometimes that you just want Arwyn to say she really is repulsed by you to give you an out. I swear Arwyn seems so wrapped in resentment and disappointment. I don’t see how she can ever be affectionate with you until she admits that. I can remember feeling the “hate” for lack of a better word. The feeling like my ex had left me to deal with our son all on my own. The feeling that he didn’t get me at all but wanted me to be intimate with him anyway. The feeling of isolation and disappointment is very strong and hard to break. And for me there was always the “aha”..

I always felt like my ex just wanted me to admit I didn’t want him to touch me anymore. Admit that he had disappointed me so much I wasn’t sure if I could ever feel the way I did in the beginning. But not so he could work on anything but so he could say “aha” see you never wanted to get married, you never really loved me, you only married me to validate having sex with me before we were married. And then he could leave with a clear conscience. I am not sure where I am going with this except I get that feeling sometimes when reading your posts. Which is strange given the work you have put in and of course the forced celibacy that I could never live with. But I still get the feeling sometimes that you just want Arwyn to say she really is repulsed by you to give you an out.

]]> By: FTN http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12117 FTN Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:47:01 +0000 http://diggerjones.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/counseling-the-repulsive-factor/#comment-12117 I've got that Rosenau book stuck away in a closet somewhere. Autumn and I were reading it together 5 or 6 years ago, although I don't remember if we ever finished it. Being that you are such a fan of Schnarch, I'm slightly skeptical that you'll enjoy the Rosenau one very much, although it's been awhile so I don't remember it a great deal. It seemed like a pretty basic book. I guess "basic" might be good for Arwyn, at least. I'm sure your counselor is suggesting some things to you based on his individual sessions with Arwyn. I imagine she's saying some things that are quite different than what you are saying! It sounds like a tough cycle to break -- Arwyn isn't going to enjoy sex until you can really "give it your all," but you can't really give it your all until she gets more into sex and starts enjoying it. That's gonna be a mental battle for each of you. I’ve got that Rosenau book stuck away in a closet somewhere. Autumn and I were reading it together 5 or 6 years ago, although I don’t remember if we ever finished it. Being that you are such a fan of Schnarch, I’m slightly skeptical that you’ll enjoy the Rosenau one very much, although it’s been awhile so I don’t remember it a great deal. It seemed like a pretty basic book.

I guess “basic” might be good for Arwyn, at least.

I’m sure your counselor is suggesting some things to you based on his individual sessions with Arwyn. I imagine she’s saying some things that are quite different than what you are saying!

It sounds like a tough cycle to break — Arwyn isn’t going to enjoy sex until you can really “give it your all,” but you can’t really give it your all until she gets more into sex and starts enjoying it. That’s gonna be a mental battle for each of you.

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