differentiation was a part of the reason I was so closed to Islam at first. But after learning about it, and realizing it already lined up with 98.9% of what I already believed I could rest in comfort that I was accepting it because I was choosing it, and not because it was something my husband had chosen.

I think this is a book you’d enjoy, Square, but I understand you already have a full plate. I thought of you and your changing of religion as I wrote this post, because the issues you and your husband have fit this groove very well. In short, you each pull each other’s chain constantly. Avoiding and constant confrontation are two sides of the same coin, differentiation-wise.

Glad you liked this, Dave! Honestly, I didn’t expect as much of a turn-out on this one as I’ve gotten. It looked a bit dry to me. The “one size fits all” approach to church is what has caused so much turmoil over its entire history. We can have a common spirituality because we have a common God, a common text (the Bible) and generally a common understanding. But not everyone likes the same format or music or whatever. There is room for us all without making us endure the exact same thing all the time.

I can see why people avoid the religious discussions, Marie, because they can get really, really hot. And not in a good way! Although it really is about passion of a different sort, it is still passion all the same. It brings out the best and worst.

I think “interdependence” is a good way of seeing it, Desmond, although it necessarily follows differentiation. There needs to be two separate and distinct individuals in order for the interdependence to really work. You and Molly seem to have outwitted, outlasted and outplayed a lot of your difficulties. 27 years! Wow!

My parents were like yours, Trueself and so were we until a year ago. The expectation when we got married was that we would always be part of the same group. But when has marriage ever lived up to its expectations? Since when can we count on things turning out as we planned? Ha! Only time will tell if this is for the best or not.

2am, this whole differentiation business is an inherently spiritual process. Schnarch is not explicit about it, but it underlies everything in the book. It’s about growing, stretching, testing, challenging and evaluating. Sex is greater than the sum of its parts *because* of that spiritual dimension. I think we sort of already know that but the gap between application and theory is a wide one that I’m still trying to negotiate.

D.

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2amsomewhere

My aunt and uncle attended different churches from the moment they met. She attended a denomination that had services on Saturday (sorry I can’t remember the denomination for sure). He attended the Southern Baptist church. Their children attended both (it was easier with one being on Saturday and one on Sunday than if they’d both been on the same day). As their children reached some agreed upon age they got to choose for themselves which church to continue attending. It seemed to work quite well for them from what I could tell.

My parents have always, to my knowledge, attended church together since they have married. They have denomination hopped a great deal, but always done so together. Apparently, that has worked well for them.

I think it just depends on the individuals, their circumstances, expectations, and so forth.

As always, your actual mileage may vary.

If you are talking about church as a community, a bunch of people you can throw your life in with, people “feeding” each other, then that’s an altogether different story. I would think it would only serve to pull you farther apart in the long run.

But then, I’ve been wrong before. Who knows.

I confess that I’ve got a copy of Schnarch’s book on my shelf, but I haven’t done more than just skim it as yet (Molly has seen it sitting there, and her comment was along the lines of ‘Jeez, if we had any more passion in our marriage, I might explode!’). I don’t fully understand the whole ‘differentiation’ thing, but I do know that ‘interdependence’ is a very, very good thing. We need both our individuality and our deep connection to each other. Heck, even after 27+ years of marriage, it’s still exciting to learn new things about the woman I’ve thrown my life in with. . .

I like your approach, because if I’m understanding what you’ve written, you can each gain what you’re needing, but without trying to force the other into a mold that they may not be ready for.

Lots of food for thought, too, which is something I expect from your blog, thanks!

Great. I’ve got tales of personal experience out the wazoo. I don’t want to post them all here, though. I may just email you.

People get quite riled up about these church discussions, don’t they? Oh wait, I guess I’m probably one of those people…