34

That’s not my weight, that is my new, official, waist line!  I bought some new blue jeans on Friday because I needed something to wear on Saturday.  A 34 was taking a big chance, but I went for it.  They are pretty tight, but I wore them all day and felt plenty fine. 

 

My weight this morning was a nice 193.4.  We went to Stone Mountain for our Saturday adventure and my youngest and I did the walk-up trail.  Nowadays, it’s really the only reason I go, as it seems Arwyn and the kids spend most of the time whining about being hungry or thirsty.  We did do a ton of walking and much of it was done with my youngest on my back.  That really was a good workout!

 

I’m getting reluctant to follow the relationship story line, because it seems to be a long string of just the same crap.  Which means the comments will be the same sort of stuff.  So just to make it easier, I’ll let you choose from a standard list:

 

A. Get counseling, now!

B. Find someone else.

C. Move out/separate

D. Confront her directly

E. Ditch her, get a lawyer

F. Communicate more/better

G. Get over it

H. Get some anti-depressants

I. Lock up in the chastity cage

J. Accept her just as she is

 

I’ll keep adding to the list as we go, but the above are all things I’ve seen before more than once.

 

This week I’ve been pushing limits just a bit.  In wee hours of the morning, I’ll snake my hands under her blanket/rug  and let my hand wander around.  And she’ll put her hands on mine to get them to stop moving/advancing.  As soon as she shows any sort of resistance, I stop and withdraw and retreat…until the next morning.  So while I might test the boundaries, I’m not overstepping them. I’m just reaching out and trying to keep an open door and open mind.  But she is not really responsive to any physical intimacies. 

 

For those keeping score at home, we had sex back in March and then before that it was December of 2005.

 

The last time we had a conversation about the subject, I mentioned that celibacy wasn’t working for me.  She said she didn’t really like it either, which was such a surprise I had no comeback or response.  In several opportunities, she has not once responded with any sort of willingness to put an end to it.  We did actually spend time hugging and kissing and snuggling Monday morning.  I really had to press, but she did kind of respond to that.  But it never went further as she responded only to a point.  And then the rest of the week just sort of went down hill.

 

I’m just trying to figure it out.  I have a body she’s never seen before, much leaner and well put together.  But this had zero effect on her libido.  I’d think she might at least be curious.  But there’s zero interest in my body by her.  I’ve always been interested in her and she is still as slim as ever.  I wouldn’t think my weight loss would be any threat to her that way. 

 

There doesn’t seem to be any jealousy factor that I’m aware of at least in the way Desmond spoke of it with his own weight loss.  I just don’t get the impression that she would care if other women looked me.      

 

Arwyn has recently finished her 12 step group after attending for the past year.  She has apparently been through all 12 steps and is joining a different study group.  She goes on and on about how this has helped her get closer to God and how she wishes I would do it.

 

The thing is, is that I don’t see it.  While she spends more time at church, I’m not seeing much fruit within our marriage or relationship.  She still sleeps apart under her own blanket/rug facing the foot of the bed.  She still has no interest in sex/intimacy.  She has voiced some concern about this.  However those concerns were addressed in the context of me initiating the conversation.  None of that addresses Steps 8 and 9 in the 12 step protocol.  I’ve been waiting to see whether or not she would, and it hasn’t come to pass at all.  I’ve been a part of 12-step programs before and know how it is supposed to go, but I also know how powerful denial can be.  Go sell crazy somewhere else, I’m all stocked up.  I’m not perfect and might could do some sort of program like that but I’m not in the mood to by this particular bill of goods at the moment. 

 

Exercise is a wonderful tool for working off depression, anger and frustration.  Those emotions have fueled some pretty heavy workouts this week.

 

D.