Holy Shit

It’s been kind of a tough week at work. Short staffed and an increased workload.  Thank God for a 3 day holiday, right?

 

RIGHT?

 

So I brought my weary self home just a bit early to get started on some R&R and Arwyn and the kids were out somewhere.  She got paid today, so doubtless the drunken sailor is at some whorehouse of a mall or Target, squandering it away.

 

I looked on the counter and saw a Target Visa bill.  That’s odd.  We cut that thing up a couple years back after she binged up $10,000 in debt.  It was just this past month that I finally got that bitch of a millstone cast off of my neck.  Beans and rice for 2 fucking years paying off that damn thing that we have nothing to show for.

 

Underneath the Target Visa was her Sam’s club statement.  The two combined for a total of more than $5,000.  And there is absolutely nothing to show for it.  Nothing.

Shit.

 

We are going to be having some words TONIGHT.

 

Accepting your wife because of who she is and what she does, my ass. 

Bite me.

 

D.

Wow.

 

Have some other posts in the pipe, but need to get this one out.  As a tribute to the late Finished Last I’ll try to continue in the grand tradition of posting about my weight loss statistics on Mondays.  FL groupies can find some measure of comfort and inspiration in that, hopefully.

 

Just to recap for those not familiar with what he was doing, he was undergoing what he called the SELAP diet, which stands for Stop Eating Like A Pig.  Heaven knows I am able to pack in the groceries like a real porker, so this was revolutionary for me.  Basically all it was, was ingesting 1000 calories from meals and 500 additional calories for snacks.  No drinks other than water outside of meals and no snacks that also don’t have some other sort of nutritional value.  I admit I cheat on the drinks because I do drink some unsweetened tea during the day, but since there are no calories there and a few flavenoids and antioxidants there, I think it’s not a bad deal.

 

Last week when I weighed in, I was an obese 228 lbs. This was way above where I hoped to be, which was 219 lbs.  Remember, I’m just starting and I had been working out all summer.  I must have been a fat moose in May to weigh that much.

 

So today I bought a digital scale capable of storing info for two people and Arwyn is also looking at her weight and health,  So perhaps this is something we can do together, even though we don’t exercise together.  She is really trying to eat better instead of the normal junk we consume.  She really is a carb queen.  But if I can reform, she can too.

 

Time for the official results.  When I weighed myself on this thing for the first time I weighed….

 

Drum roll please………………………..

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218.x pounds!

 

Wow!  Now granted, when I weighed myself last week (on a different scale) I had some heavy boots on and this time I was in socks.  But still, I am impressed.  10 pounds or 8 pounds or even 6 pounds; that is not bad for one week out of the blocks.

 

So looking at my BMI ideal (19-25) my ideal weight- the link will help you find out what it is - is somewhere in the 175-195 range.  Actually, the medical info seems to think 144-189 is the right range.  I’m unsure what to shoot for, actually as I never anticipated this being something seriously attainable.  I suppose 185 would be a worthy goal, although being too skinny involves its own issues.  I will be looking forward to losing the gut, in anycase.

 

D.

An Update on Lots of Things

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here.

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

 

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

 

D.

 

My Own Home Grown Meme

 This is a meme designed to be fun as well exchange a link or two…or three…or more.  So let’s see how it flies:

 

Answer the following, and be sure to link to their blogs.  This is an efficient and cheap and shameless way to increase traffic.

 

1. Blogger who is most like me:

 

2. Blogger I read who is LEAST like me.

 

3. Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with.

 

4. Name 3 bloggers of the opposite sex you’d like to share a hot tub with.

 

5. Which blogger would you vote for in a political campaign?

 

6. You are thrown into a dimension where you can read one, and only one, blog.  Which one is it?

 

7. Which blogger is living a life you think YOU might like to be living.

 

 

Tag three people and you’re on your way! 

 

So with this in mind, I’ll do my own meme.

 

 

1. Blogger who is most like me:

I am a collector of bloggers like me, and yet none match me too exactly and properly.  Christian Husband has actually had some parallels to me that have given me chills, at least in the earliest of his writings and the earliest days of my readings.  We seem to share many very similar traits from computer OS’s to vehicles and other eerie things.  Yet anyone reading us knows there are differences that jaggedly clash on occasion.  He’s like that other Spock with a goatee.  

 

2. Blogger I read who is LEAST like me.

 

This was actually the hardest question of the lot for me since I generally blogroll and read people that I can readily relate to and connect with.  On Unsolicited Advice, I write about my most recent blog discovery. 

 

Compartments, who has only recently stopped updating is probably the farthest afield from anything in my reality.  Her blog was about getting paid to have sex.  Now she’s getting paid to be a domme, which involves a lot less mess and risk. 

 

FYI, I like to include a hooker in my reading because that is certainly an option many guys in my position have chosen.  I never have, but I remain curious and they have some good and interesting stories to tell.  I guess I’ll have to find a replacement.

 

Honorable mention goes to Chelsea Summers who used to get paid to strip but now is getting paid to write.  Plus she is having lots of sex.  But her and I do share some a certain pedantic streak within our writing.  She’s just better at it.

 

3. Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with.

FTN, Xi Summit, and 2AmSomewhere.  This wouldn’t be a lamp-shade-on-your-head Rolling Stones booze fest, but would be a more subtle and cerebral all night  get together.  More like a Pink Floyd soundtrack.  I’d also invite my goatee-wearing alter ego, but the fabric of the universe would be torn asunder if we ever actually met.

 

4. Name 3 bloggers of the opposite sex you’d like to share a hot tub with.

 

Emily, Katie and Tajalude.  This might be a bit wilder than the above get together.  I would hope.

 

I’d love to invite Zanaliegh as well but there’s that whole business of her being from the other dimension and the matter-anti matter collision resulting in the destruction of the known universe to contend with.  But it would almost be worth it.

 

 

5. Which blogger would you vote for in a political campaign?

Desmond Jones - the guy already has experience co-governing a family the size of a small country.  After raising that many teenagers, congress should be a piece of cake.  (Hardly fair since he doesn’t even have a blog right now.  Maybe he can come out of retirement.)

 

6. You are thrown into a dimension where you can read one, and only one, blog.  Which one is it?

 

This one is amazingly difficult (which is why I included it).  Always Aroused Girl is the one blog I would choose if I could choose only one.  She’s insightful and she has all this new material now that she is actually having sex.  But she also has this angsty quality that I find most endearing in everyone I read.  It’s not something everyone wants to have but we all like to read about it in others.  Or at least I do.  Not that she needs extra publicity or anything.

 

7. Which blogger is living a life you think you might like to be living.

 

Another tough one since I mostly collect marital train wrecks.

 

My alternative dimension goatee-wearing evil twin, with the wife who swallows is in the running, again,  as is the presently regularly sexed AAG.  But the object here is linky love, so….

 

Satan seems to be living the good life, with all the sex she can handle plus having her very own sugar daddy.  She’s so busy having sex and living the good life she no longer has time to blog.  But I, for one, always enjoyed (with envy) her “Yes, yes and yes again this morning!” posts.

 

Okay, tagging 3 other folks:

Trueself (heh, payback!), Confused Husband and Cat who were all in the running for several of these categories.

 

D.

Trueself’s Tag

Trueself tagged me invited me to do this thing and since I haven’t done one of these in forever I thought I would.

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers. Try to make your tip general. After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends! Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn. *****-http://www.neonscent.com/
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****-http://www.bushmackel.com/
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-http://www.therandomforest.info/
4. Always reply to your comments.**-http://chattiekat.com/
5. Develop your own “voice” don’t “borrow” someone else’s***-Mizmouthy
6. Always avoid awesomely annoying and aggravating alliteration. Bunny
7. Write for yourself not for your audience. *Trueself

8. HNT pics almost always increase your readership if you’re a female.  For us middle-aged guys…eh, not so much. Digger Jones

Well that’s the end of the line on this one, for me.  If any of you want to send on unsolicited advice to fellow bloggers, pick this puppy up and give it a good home!

It’s always flattering to be linked up by other bloggers, tho, which is why I have actually developed my own meme that I’m going to be starting that is loads more fun and includes loads more links to y’all.  So even if the tagged victims participants decide not to pass it on, I’ll have had a bit of fun.  And really, what else is this blogging lark supposed to be?

D.

A Brief Kink Update

A couple of notes upfront: I’m seriously considering responding to Trueself’s tag, mostly because there are some other folks around here in need of a good meme’ing. Or even a meme’ing that is less than good.

Also thanks to those responding to the last post despite the rather depressing content. I can take some small comfort in the knowledge that there are others who have suffered worse for a lot longer.

But I do feel the need to at least give some slight treatment to my kinkier subplot, mainly chastity play. Suffice it to say, I have not been doing any cage play and have not felt like denying myself. I still richly enjoy reading Altarboy’s site and the contributions by those who are practicing, but motivation for me is about nil. I could probably enjoy some subspace but in the sort of relationship that I am presently in, the rebound on the backside is hardly worth it.

But the other morning it did sort of come up.

I usually buy all the groceries because I do most of the cooking. Plus during our leanest financial days I kept my hand tightly on the pocketbook like a seaman on a tiller during a storm. But now that storm has mostly past and I’m perfectly okay with Arwyn taking a check and going and buying whatever food she wants. She was a bit surprised at this, but I told her that as long as she was open and honest and not hiding stuff in the trunk of her car, things would be okay.

Arwyn then insisted that I must be snooping in her car. No, I just know how she operates. But she continued to protest that she knew I had been in her trunk. If I had remembered, I might have pressed her harder for how she knew, but I was not going to argue. I don’t go snooping in her car, ever. I figure I’ll find whatever she hides soon enough.

But later on, it finally dawned on me the source of her conviction. A couple of weeks ago, she came in the holding a small black box she found in her trunk. It was magnetically stuck to the first aid kit in her trunk. Can you guess what it was? She asked if I knew and I told her I had put it in there a long time ago. Maybe over a year ago. I told her to open it, and she slid the cover back and there were a pair of very small keys.

It was the discovery of that box that led her to believe that I was forever snooping. The fact is, I had all but forgotten about them. I have one key in the Shurlok, and that’s all I needed. But keeping a spare set in her trunk meant she could still get me out in an emergency and made her an unwitting keyholder. I’m not sure what she did with that box now that I think about it. It had fallen from the trunk lid to the first aid kit otherwise she may never have seen it.

She also found, while doing a bunch of cleaning, a key to the very first lock I had; the one that came with the original Curve that was on a necklace. She gave it to my youngest son to wear around his neck, which I thought was just not right. Never mind the key was now worthless, but it did still hold some symbolism. So I traded him a sticker or something for it and stowed it away.

Chastity play just is not attractive to me right now. I like to have some support during the process in the form of holding, cuddling and hugs. It helps me get into subspace instead of just getting pissed but she hasn’t the time or inclination, and neither do I.

D.

 

 

 

Celibating 11 Years

It’s that time of the year, again! 

 

I was actually a bit surprised that Arwyn brought up our anniversary earlier in the week, asking me what I wanted to do.  I had no idea, really.  Well, that’s not right.  I did have an idea and you can guess what it was more or less.

 

But Arwyn was not talking about that.  She proposed that we might go out for dinner or something.  That sounded nice until she mentioned taking the kids along.  Ummm, no.  That’s not at all what I had in mind. 

 

Her and I were both massively busy with work all week.  The night before our anniversary, I gave her some money to buy milk and some fruit.  She did get milk but no fruit.  Instead she bought a card and an anniversary present; a fireproof safe box to keep valuable papers and stuff in.  She was a bit put off that I wasn’t overly massively thrilled with this.  Okay, it’s practical.  But I’m not sure it says “Happy Anniversary!” you know?

 

The next night I gave her a musical card with a Cars theme song, and thanking her for a very scenic ride.  Her card was as nonromantic and generic as you could get.  But she made an effort.  I also got a new TV as our old one went kaput a month or so ago.  She did enjoy that as well as some office supplies I got her so she wouldn’t have to be always devouring mine. 

 

That night she slept on the couch I think, as she didn’t go to bed until much later than me. 

 

And that was the entire extent of an 11 year celibation.  I think the last time we had sex on our anniversary was back on our 1st, when we rented a hotel by the beach.  She was pregnant on our second and wasn’t in the mood and then had a baby to take care of in subsequent years.  You can sort of get the picture.  While there was enough sex in subsequent years to have a second child, there never was as much as there was before we were married. 

 

Hmph.  Not much of an update, is it?  I’m not pushing for the time being.  I’m getting other areas girded up for whatever may follow, namely the financial side.  We are seriously close to ticking off a second Big Payment item that was sucking down $300 a month. Namely it was that old $10,000 Visa debt that Arwyn racked up in 2004.  And the car insurance.  I’ll then begin seriously biting into that second property mortgage which should fall within the next 12 months if I stay focused, freeing up another $330 a month.  Retiring all of these debts is tremendously liberating.  Other options begin opening up as far as saving, investing, charitable giving, and helping others.  I could do none of those things when I was so enslaved to hundreds of dollars in credit card and vehicle payments.

 

Lifting that weight can do nothing but help Arwyn and I no matter where we end up next. 

 

D.

 That post below was written over a week ago and just never got published, so you get a bonus today!

A Yen for Zen

This post is already a week old, but I’m working on something newer.

Okay so I took a couple weeks off from blogging in order to just live life without so much interior noodling. I never stop analyzing completely, but by not writing I’m not thinking as much. Or obsessing as the case may be. But I figure an update would be useful as a way of just taking stock.

First off, I’m continuing with the exercise/healthier diet thing. It’s not quite every day like it was a couple weeks ago, but every opportunity which is close enough. Eating more fresh fruits and vegetables means more trips to the store which takes extra time. I haven’t weighed myself in 6 weeks plus I have an annual physical coming up. I’ll be interested to see how that turns out. If my weight is back where it was a year ago, that will be progress since I ballooned out so much last winter. My blood pressure has always been good so I need that to continue. So I guess not getting any worse is the goal at this point! I also found a cool program that goes with Stepmania that allows me to painlessly choreograph and use music from my own collection if want to, which has helped keep the interest going.

Arwyn has been working through her step process and is doing her step #5 right now with her sponsor or mentor or whoever. She has spent hours and hours and hours doing her personal inventory. So it may take hours to go through it! Being patient with this is a difficult process. She invests in this business to the detriment of everything else. So now in addition to being the one who works full time and does all the lawn/garden stuff, paying all bills and most of the cooking and groceries, I have to do additional cleaning and raising the kids and doing laundry. The 12 step process is an inherently selfish one. Not that addictions and codependency are without selfish aspects, but from my perspective I’ve seen those who are in recovery end up in trouble because they neglect every single thing not associated with recovery steps. These first steps are especially dominated by self-absorption with taking a personal inventory and such. But I’ll wait awhile and see how Arwyn does in subsequent steps that do become more relational in nature. I’ve just got to grit my teeth a bit and hold on for awhile longer.

But that does not mean that I’m not looking at extra long twin beds. This sleeping together business has gotten more tension filled as of late. Keep in mind that Arwyn has her inverted self-wrapped position where we’re head-to-toe which is fine for sleeping military style in bunk beds. But not for married couples. I have been awakened more than once by a sharp kick to the rib cage, presumably because I’m snoring. I don’t do that when she snores. And then our oldest likes yo come in at 5 a.m. or so and he’ll lay right up on her, which she minds a lot less than if I do it. So now he is kicking me because he likes to flail around in his sleep.

A few days ago, Arwyn woke me up with a kick or a poke and instead of reacting by retaliation or in anger, I reached my hand over and rested it on her bum. And this obviously infuriated her all the more. My hand was batted off and she picked up her blanket and pillow and retired to the couch. I really wasn’t feeling angry at her until she did that.

Other couples make the separate bed or even separate bedroom thing work. As nice as the queen-sized bed has been in conceiving the two boys, it is really and truly more of a hindrance now. My maternal grandparents (who were Catholic, if that matters) had their separate beds and slept that way the entire 20+ years they were both alive that I knew them and it might have been the way they always did it.

The church/spiritual business is in a holding pattern. I’ve been reading the Charles Davis book, and have been enriched by it as he does wade into deeper theological waters of faith, hope and love. I Enjoyed one quote in particular that is quite poignant:

“Is it surprising that men have thrown off the yoke of the Church as an unbearable oppression? They are looking for freedom, they want to be themselves. They find no signs of liberation in a life within the Church. And not a few Catholics today, if they dared to formulate their thought would say, ‘Thank God we live in a secular society where ecclesiastical writs do not run far and our freedom abd personal development are guaranteed by factors outside the Church.’”

He then goes on to document how the church actually works against Christ by failing to testify to His freedom, love and His truth. As such, people are left to despair and their hope is taken away. These charges can be made to virtually any institutional system, but especially religious systems that seek to exercise authority and control. As long as there are people who seek to control others and institutions willing to facilitate that, there will be abuse. I feel Catholics have been unfortunately singled out by the media, because I’m sure the protestant ministers and priests have engaged in behavior just as bad as those of any Catholic priests and there have been countless cover ups. Perhaps the protestants just can’t afford the big payouts.

In any case, I’m keeping my eye open for something less corporate-like and more relational in nature. Such groups will be small and difficult to find since they are intentional in not advertising and trying to steal from one another’s flocks. Since they see themselves as part of the larger body, the whole competitive atmosphere is not present at all. There’s room for genuine unity since no one is worried about wearing a shirt or having a coffee mug with the wrong logo.

D.