Emotional Needs: Recreational Companionship

You mean we didn’t cover this in the sexual fulfillment post?   For those arriving late to the party, I’m working over my Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  You’re about 5 posts behind, which is so highly unusual for me.

 

Harley defines recreational companionship as developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities.  I rated my need for recreational companionship as a ‘2′, making it my least needed for need.  When answering “How often?” I figured 1x per week would be fair and might help to cultivate a weak area.  But if we didn’t recreate that often, that’s not going to make me neither happy nor unhappy about it.  So as far as satisfaction, I scored this a solid zero - not either satisfied and not unsatisfied.

 

Hey, the score is improving!  At least it isn’t negative!  I’m sure Arwyn will peg this as a higher need and express more dissatisfaction with this.  Right now, considering the other areas, recreational companionship ranks at the bottom of needs.

 

 Having said that, I understand that recreational companionship can be an efficient way of meeting other needs.  It makes conversation easier and gives us both something to talk about.  I’m socking away credit in her love bank by spending what she would consider quality time with her.  She likes going places and doing things.  She likes going to the zoo and the aquarium over, and over and over again and has season passes.  As for me, I get bored after the 3rd or 6th trip plus I seriously dislike the crowds.

 

But when we dated, we did go camping and hiking and spent a lot more time doing things together.  But then I got a modem and that put a huge dent in mutual recreating!

 

Heaven forbid I ever get broadband.

 

It’s not that I don’t like spending time with Arwyn.  But it is frustrating.  While it does result in a somewhat closer connection, this does not translate into more affection or sex from her.  And the more closely I feel towards her, the more her rejection hurts.  Stiff arming her this way makes the rejection less traumatic, if that makes any sense at all.

 

D.

Emotional Needs: Conversation

I need to pick up the pace if I want to finish writing my ENQ by next Monday!  One handy thing is that I’m creating links to each post from the original ENQ post as I go so there is a nice little index.  I’m not exactly sure why anyone would want to, but I’ve learned since blogging that people like the oddest of things.

 

Harley describes conversation as talking about events of the day, personal feelings, plans for the future; showing interest in favorite topics of conversation: using it to inform, investigate, and understand you) and giving you undivided attention.

 

Wow!  That’s a lot of stuff packed in there!  I ranked my need for conversation at a 4.  Perhaps I over estimate it, though, because there’s so little of it around here.  And a lot of it is my fault.  As the sith lord of avoidance, conversation often becomes difficult.  Throw some anger, hurt and resentment into the mix, season with an extremely secretive nature, and the ground is hard packed and infertile against conversation.  My introverted nature fights against too much verbosity.  I deeply enjoy quiet introspection more than extensive verbal expression.  I suppose emailing and blogging each other might have possibilities, but Arwyn is not much of a writer.  And the roots of her own introversion work against too much conversation.  But at the same time she is a woman and talking does provide whatever opium-like substance to her brain similar to what female naked flesh images do to a man’s brain.

 

So when Harley asks “How often?” 1x a day seems easy. But for how long?  An hour of conversation every day seems like a lot to me right now, but we obviously need to talk more.  But it isn’t just about frequency.  It’s also about content and balance. 

 

When I’m not getting the conversation I want, I do get somewhat unhappy.  Again, it is more about the entire package that avoidance entails.  Arwyn will talk about the kids for hours and hours.  But when talking about The Other Thing, she will literally flee.  Or if cornered so fleeing is impossible, I’ll easily end up with a rabid monkey fit.  And those are very scary episodes requiring some sort of tranquilizer dart or something. 

 

My evaluation of conversation with Arwyn is -1, which is her best score so far!  Don’t worry; I do have a positive score somewhere.  As I said, I’m dissatisfied mostly with the content of our conversations.  She dominates it with kids and chores but if I get into anything too intimate or personal, she clamps up, flees and withdraws.  For this reason, there are areas of her past I haven’t been able to get to know about.  Her dad was an alcoholic and I suspect something very bad happened with that.  She still has a loving relationship with her dad but she won’t go into that past very far.  She’s going through some sort of 12 step recovery group, which I had hoped would help move things along for us.  It hasn’t really.

 

Arwyn has at least moved the ENQ and I’m not sure where it is so maybe she’s done some work on it today. 

 

D.

Emotional Needs: Sexual Fulfillment

 

If you missed the last couple of entries, you’ve got some catching up to do!  I’m going on vacation in a week or so, so I’m cramming in a series inspired by the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ).  And 24 48 hours after giving it to Arwyn, it has remained untouched.  I finished mine in an hour and now I’m essentially going over it again in blog posts.  I’m not going to nag her about the thing but I’m thinking she’s going to conveniently forget.  I’ve seen this movie before.

 

Harley defines sexual fulfillment as: a sexual experience that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you.  It’s an interesting definition.  I can honestly say that my response has been less than predictable and Arwyn would at least probably agree there.  But making it so would probably satisfy most cravings for sexual fulfillment.

 

First question: how important is it?  I scored this one a ‘5′.  The importance of it is a central theme of this blog.  Sexual fulfillment ranks behind affection, but for me they are sort of related.  It’s also related to recreational companionship in my book, but that’s for another entry.  It’s hard for me to imagine any happy marriage that is bereft of sex.  I’ve never met anyone who got married with the intention of extended celibacy.

 

The next question is how often I would like my spouse to engage in sexual relations.  With me.  I think 2x would be about perfect, give or take one.  3x a week would be a special treat.  But we’re short on this by a factor of about 100.  I’m lucky to get 1x a year.

 

The next question is how I feel when we’re not having that frequency and the answer is “Very Unhappy.”  As if you all didn’t know!

 

Next is evaluating the level of sexual fulfillment with my spouse.  The bottom score is a -3 and perhaps I should have written in -5.  In the sex section I marked the “my spouse does not give me enough sex and when we do have sex it is not the way I like it.”  Basically, going a year without sex is unacceptable.  In addition to the frequency problem, Arwyn’s limitations have gotten more and more severe to the point where I’m allowed nothing except to just lay there and get off as soon as possible.

 

While the affection deficit is severe, the sexual deficit remains the absolute most severe of all 10 of Harley’s emotional needs.  It’s the one area that epitomizes our separateness and leaves the deepest scar on me, emotionally. 

 

The lack of affection during sex is so indicative of our failing relationship.  I find it hard to imagine fucking anyone who treats something so intimate with so little attachment.  This is why I have at least one escort blog on my roll, because it’s interesting to read the point of view of someone who is supposed to be detached.  At the very least, it sounds like a lot more fun than what is currently happening around here.

 

D.

 

Emotional Needs: Affection

I’m going to go for it.  I’m going to go over my Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) for your voyeuristic pleasure but also for my own mind masturbatory pleasure.  So bring the towel or mental sock of your choice.

 

Harley’s first item on the list is also MY first item.  He defines affection as: The expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.  It’s on this need that the whole of Chapman’s Love Languages reside.  But Harley merely lists the ways in his definition without delving too deeply.

 

The first task is to rate to need for affection on a scale of 0 (I don’t need affection) to 6 (I have a great need for affection).  In my case, I gave it a perfect ‘6′.  It’s just difficult for me to imagine being in a marriage without affection.  Actually, I don’t have to imagine that as much as imagine liking it.  This is so much at the crux of spending time together.  Why spend time around and with someone you don’t like?  Affection and everything about it is what clearly separates different levels of friendship and intimacy.  How we express it and how often we express it is important for maintaining those ties.  I’m not going to get deeply into the love language bit here, but you’ve all heard of them if you read regularly because someone always suggests looking into it.  Reading Chapman’s book ranks second only to therapy as a suggestion for improving my relationship and turning it around.  As you’ll see, affection is only one of the 10 dimensions of emotional needs but in my world it reigns supreme.  And at this point, I’ll accept any of the 5 flavors of it, although I much prefer the physical sort over words of admiration, acts of service, tangible gifts or quality time.

 

Harley then asks how often I would like my spouse to be affectionate towards me.  I don’t think once per day is not being too much out of line.  And I’ll accept any of the languages as long as there is some variety involved.  I’m then asked how I feel when I’m not shown affection as much as I’ve indicated above, with the choices:

a. Very unhappy

b. somewhat unhappy

c. neither happy nor unhappy

d. happy not to be shown affection

 

This gets a definite “a.”

 

Next is evaluating the spouse’s affection by rating how satisfied I am with how she shows it.  The rating scale is -3 (extremely dissatisfied) to 3 (extremely satisfied).  In this regard I chose -3.  I’m still thinking on this as I pay more attention there tiny scraps of affection that sometimes appear but not on a daily basis.  I’m just reluctant to score something so severely when it could still get worse.

 

Next, I have to choose from four choices to complete the statement:

 

My spouse gives me:

a. all the affection I need and I like the way he/she does it

b. not enough affection but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.

c. all the affection I need but it is not the way I like it.

d. not enough affection and when he/she tries it is not the way I like it..

 

So yeah, you could say there is a love language problem, but it is only part of it and only a fraction of the overall emotional needs picture. 

 

The last part says to tell how the emotional need for affection could better be served in the marriage.  Obviously both frequency and type are issues for me.  So basically I lobbied for more overall affection and more physical affection specifically.  It’s just important for us as a couple to express affection for each other.  I watch how she is with the kids and you see her expressing affection to them all the time, several times a day everyday.  She has no problems demonstrating physical affection towards them!  Being jealous of my kids is hardly productive, but there’s a truth there I can’t ignore.  Of course the kids are better at eliciting affection.  After all, they’re still relatively small and cute.  Women like being affectionate to small and cute things.  Being affectionate to large things like a husband comes harder for them.  And then there’s the whole sexual bit that overhangs any physical affection.  For a LL gal, this is intimidating, if not repulsive.  They prefer the child-like expression to the adult-like expression of physical affection.  An erect cock is like leprosy or something to them.  It’s not a turn-on.

 

Anyway, this is area #1 for me.  It even takes a backseat to sex because I’ve had a fair amount of sex without affection with this woman, and it isn’t very good.  I can endure less sex with more affection and within the confines of chastity play it can even be fun.  But without affection, everything else is hollow and meaningless.  No amount of sex, recreational companionship, conversation or financial support can substitute for affection as this projects an atmosphere of love more than any other emotional dimension.  Affection alone is the primary currency of love and without it; there is simply very little reason to keep going.  It’s what forged the original bond in the first place that led to marriage.  Everything else is just gravy.

 

I’ve got about 10 days before going on vacation, so I’m going to be really ripping through this list at a very rapid pace.  Plus any other drama that may or may not happen with this thing.  Hang on to your butts.  It may get bumpy.

 

D.

 

  

ENQ

Willard F. Harley, Jr. has been mentioned before around these parts, and I would give his basic principles credit for turning things around with Christian Husband and his wife. Once XH started investing the time, he started getting some serious return on his investment. XH was quick to grasp and apply the concept of quality time it was put to good use. Even if it was mostly with his tongue. Good oral technique never hurt anyone!

It was actually a post by Aphron that I encountered another one of Harley’s little tools, namely the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ). It’s not standardized or anything, but it is a lovely little tool for thinking about (and hopefully discussing) the 10 basic needs in a marriage. Harley lists them thus:

1. Affection

2. Sexual fulfillment

3. Conversation

4. Recreational Companionship

5. Honesty and Openness

6. An attractive spouse

7. Financial Support

8. Domestic support

9. Family commitment

10. Admiration

I feel a series coming on.

But more importantly, I gave a copy of this to Arwyn and asked her to do it. She said she would but not right away. Which is fine, but I have seen this movie before. It gets put somewhere and it stays there. There’s a Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue workbook sitting in the bottom of our closet somewhere, unopened and untouched.

I finished mine in less than an hour. Thing is, it doesn’t do much good to fill this thing out if the other person isn’t cooperating. I already know how satisfied I am with our sex life. I’m interested in what Arwyn’s needs are. I’m realistic enough to know that my score won’t be very high. Hers wasn’t. But having something written down and figuring out where to start is part of the battle with us. Newsflash: We need to communicate!

If Arwyn doesn’t do this, it tells me that this is not a conversation that she wants to have. It’s a conversation we need to have if we are going be together. Harley’s ENQ basically takes each area and asks:

A. How important is it to you? (Rating scale 0 -6, with 6 being most important)

B. How often or how much of this do you want? (Fiill-in-the-blank and daily, weekly or monthly)

C. How satisfied are you with how your spouse is meeting this need? (Rating scale -3 to +3, negatives being very unsatisfied and positives being satisfied.)

And then he asks for a written statement of how the need could be better met in the marriage. The last page of this thing asks you to rate your top 5 of the ten or even add one of your own.

Doing this was fairly easy although some parts were harder than others. For instance, in the financial support section, he asked “How much do you want your spouse to earn to support you and your children?” I had no idea how to answer that. “All of it?” I just need Arwyn to work with me instead of against me on our financial goals and budget.

So stay tuned for an update on this, as to whether we actually have a conversation about our emotional needs or not. Meanwhile, see if you can guess my top 5 emotional needs.

D.