Emotional Need: Domestic Support

Hey!  I’m getting close to the end of my Emotional Needs Questionnaire!  Which is good because then perhaps I’ll be able to write about some drama and conversation related to going over it with Arwyn.  Or not going over it.

 

Domestic support is defined by Harley as creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children - if any are at home - including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning.

 

I’ve actually written about Arwyn’s domestic skills (or lack thereof) before.  My need for domestic support is a modest 3 on a 0-6 scale.  I can do all of those above mentioned things myself and I often do them in addition to working full time.  I do most of the cooking, all of the grocery shopping and everything outside the house with lawn and garden.  I do dishes and will do my own laundry if I’m out of clothes and Arwyn hasn’t gotten around to washing them.  The problem is when I don’t have time to maintain things, and the place goes to hell as Arwyn and the kids continue to pile dishes up and clutter the house until it is a pig sty. 

 

As for amount of time devoted to domestic support, I really wasn’t sure what would be fair.  20-30 hours per week, maybe?  I’m not sure, as my needs really are modest.  I just like a kitchen clean enough to eat and cook in and a house I can walk through without tripping over stuff.

 

When I come home to a house that looks like shit, I do feel somewhat unhappy and will eventually just start cleaning the place myself.  This is a problem with having Arwyn as a room mate: she’s not good at it at all.  She doesn’t pay rent, she doesn’t cook, she doesn’t clean and she messes the place up.  So I’m probably being overly generous on scoring her a -1 in her domestic support.  She does take care of the boys and does do an awful lot of laundry and does the dishes most of the time.  She can and does make a sandwich or put a pizza in the oven for the boys.

 

So she does not provide enough domestic support but when she does, I’m okay with the way she does it.  She really can clean the place up when she gets the urge.  In fact, when we first got married I was a little worried that I’d married some sort of clean freak! 

 

I would gladly overlook the lack of clean freakiness if there was even a moderate amount of sex freakiness.  But since there’s none of that going on, it makes living with her all the more pointless.

 

D.

 

 

 

 

Emotional Needs: Financial Support

Out of all the areas of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, this one is the screwiest one for me.  I sort of see where Harley is going with this, but it doesn’t work too well in a situation where one person makes most of the money, like I do.

 

Harley defines Financial Support as: the provision of financial resources to house, feed and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you.

 

So what is my need for financial support?  By Harley’s definition, I don’t need any and should circle zero.  However, when actually following the budget and sticking to a jointly agreed-upon plan is considered, I do have a moderate need that way.

 

Harley then asks, “How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you (and your children)?”  As the sole and main breadwinner, this question is totally alien to me!  Maybe she does need to get off her dead ass and start supporting me!  Ha!  No, I would like my wife to support me by helping us to live on less than what I make and not drive us deeper into debt.  I’d like her to compromise on her more expensive tastes for the long-term security of the family and our children’s futures.

 

So how I feel about the lack of support isn’t so cut and dried.  I don’t expect her to be earning as much as supporting my earning and our budget.  I circled “I am neither happy nor unhappy when my spouse earns less than the amount specified since I never specified an amount.  But it will be quite interesting to see how she answers this on her questionnaire. 

 

I’m not sure she has done it or if she will.  I’ll ask her once and if she hasn’t, I won’t bug her.  It just gets added to the stuff I’ve tried that she has not participated with.

 

Moving on…

 

In light of my own definition of financial support, I scored Arwyn at a -1 by virtue of her spendy ways and her driving us into debt at every turn.   She goes through phases where she spends less, but then makes up for it by going on a spending spree later on.

 

I didn’t even bother with the last question about how much she would earn and whether or not I like the way she earns it.  It just flat out doesn’t apply to me in this case. 

 

I have to admit that I feel put off by this sense of entitlement exhibited by the presence of this question.  I mean you have a guy who is willing to totally support you and then you want to complain that it’s not enough?  I think any woman (or man) who is able-bodied and not satisfied with how much their spouse makes should fill out some employment applications!  Having some mutually agreed upon financial goals is a good thing, but it takes both people working on it.  Even if the wife doesn’t work, she can contribute mightily towards meeting financial goals. 

 

This is one big reason why I admire Katie so much.  She isn’t working outside the house, but she is busy, busy, busy!  She’s providing comfort for the family in relatively thrifty ways by making Halloween costumes, making Christmas presents and finding ways to save money.  Her contribution to the financial welfare of the family is tangible beyond income because she harnesses her creativity, energy and intelligence in ways that maximize every dollar that is earned by her husband.  Plus she’s not opposed to making a buck or two of her own with her online store.

 

But being financially taken care of seems like a very odd emotional need in this day and age of equal rights and opportunity.  That oddness is only matched by the emotional need that ends up above this one.

 

D.

 

Emotional Needs: An Attractive Spouse

I’m barreling through a series on the Emotional Need Questionnaire (ENQ) that I filled out a few days ago.  It’s kind of fun looking at some of these, in a morbid detached sort of way.

 

Harley defines this as keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.  Hopefully this won’t be too traumatic for my female readers as I know you all have massive insecurities about this.  I’m not sure if I’ll help or hinder, but I am going to be honest.

 

I rated my need for an attractive spouse on a 0-6 scale at a 3, where I have a moderate need for an attractive spouse.  It’s not a huge deal and certainly not a deal breaker, but the fact that Arwyn is easy on the eyes made the marriage decision so much the easier.  For better or worse.

 

Which of the following characteristics of attractiveness mean the most to you (circle letter(s) that apply to you)?

a. Physical fitness and normal weight

b. Attractive choice of clothes

c. Attractive hairstyle

d. Good physical hygiene

e. Attractive facial makeup.

f. Other ______

 

I circled a and d.  I have preferences on all these, but I’m not making an issue here.  When these characteristics are not met, I’m neither happy nor unhappy.  Actually it depends.  Hygiene can’t get too bad and I don’t think I’d want to be married to someone who weighed more than me.  But I have fairly brood tolerances.  After all, I’m not exactly a Mel Gibson, myself.

 

So how do I evaluate Arwyn’s attractiveness?  Honestly, I gave her a perfect ‘3′.  As far as attractiveness, she is everything I could ever want, physically speaking.

 

  And that’s part of the problem.  If I had a spouse who appealed to me less, perhaps the sex thing wouldn’t be so much of an issue.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel so attracted and the rejection wouldn’t cut as deep.  Perhaps the longing would not be there if I wasn’t feeling so pulled in to her just by looking at her.  Marrying someone who was so pretty seemed like a good idea at the time. 

 

“If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,

Never make a pretty girl your wife…“

 

Obviously attractiveness has some emotional importance in my psyche and Arwyn fits it perfectly. 

 

D.

Emotional Needs: Honesty and Openness

Call me silly, but I’m enjoying this introspection as I go through my Emotional Needs Questionnaire.  You’ll have some serious catching up to do if you’re following along.  It’s a series and I am ripping through this.  This is the 3 entry today!

 

Honesty and openness is defined by Harley as revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule; plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely.

 

Sounds like a lot of conversation to me!

 

I rated this need on the 0-6 scale as a ‘4′.  I do value honesty very much but openness a bit less so.  Let’s face it, I have a few secrets of my own (like the blog) and it would be terribly hypocritical of me to expect more complete openness than I’m willing to give.

 

He takes a better approach in quantifying openness and honesty by asking to identify which of the following areas of honesty you would like from your spouse:

a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reaction to significant aspects of life.

b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history.

c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities

d. sharing information about future schedule or plans

 

I picked a,b & d.  It’s not that I’m not interested in her daily activities, but then again that represents the bulk of what I’m getting from her now and its kind of boring.

 

Sorry.

 

Point being, openness and honesty needs balance just like conversation.  In fact my answers about openness and honesty mirror those with conversation.  When the above areas are not met, I’m somewhat unhappy and it’s mostly with the lack of balance. So satisfaction is -1.  While Arwyn is not very open and honest, she does do okay in the way she does it. 

 

The questionnaire itself is an attempt to bridge some of the open & honesty gap that we have.  I’m sure so much of Arwyn’s reluctance to do this relates to some anxiety about sharing with one another.  We’re both rather judgmental people so we’ll have to really work not to get too defensive about stuff.  Part of being open and honest is being willing to hear some negative stuff.  And thus far, the highest satisfaction score has been a zero!  Time to turn it around!

 

D.