How do you live with someone who doesn’t find you attractive?

I remember reading something in 2amsomewhere’s blog that resonnated with me. Lots of what he write resonnates, but this was particularly powerful.

He said he simply could not be with someone who found him so unattractive. Or something like that.

Being made to feel disgusting and unattractive has been a major theme of my marriage and I’ve seen it in others as well. The train wrecks that I collect in my blogroll are almost all suffering from this dynamic in some way. C-Marie has been one of the most long-suffering of all the female bloggers I know. But I’ve seen some of her pictures and she is VERY attractive! She’s apparently hooked up with someone who is either blind, gay or has a serious mental disorder.

Guys are routinely seen as the less attractive sex because its sort of true. We can sort of joke about it, but deep inside we long to be attractive to at least ONE person. Preferably our spouse. We would like them to be able to just look at us and feel love. We would like them to undress us with their eyes like we do them. We would like our touch to set their passions aflame. We want to be wanted and desired in this very basic way. To many women this sort of desire seems shallow and superficial. Being a sex object isn’t the end all and be all, but being treated as a sexual leper or worse, a sexual joke, is enormously hurtful. And wearying.

I admire FTN for his dedication, his imagination and his humor. But most of all, he has demonstrated amazing resiliancy in the face of being repeatedly subjected to the disappointment of not being desired in that way. His wife may say he’s attractive, but this is not how she acts. Touching him and being touched by him in intimate ways requires the same sort of advanced appointment and notice that one would need for a doctor’s appointment or a dental cleaning. FTN, to his credit, puts a good face and a positive spin on it. And perhaps he has found a way to make it work for him.

But thinking about 2amsomewhere’s statement, I’m closer to where he is than FTN. Sometimes I say mean things to Arwyn. I’ve been less than enthusiastic about going places with her and the boys on family outings. I enjoy spending time with the boys, but not necessarily with her. In her world, family outings represent quality time. I can handle it in moderate doses; once or twice a week. Arwyn would do this almost every day/night if she could. But it is a strain spending time with someone who is obviously not attracted to me and is probably repulsed by me. I’m attracted to her, but the reverse is not true.

A couple weeks ago, Arwyn declared she wanted a new beginning. My hope was bit more tentative than expressed in some comments that were posted then. One can hope, but my expectations were still relatively low. Since that night, we have been friendly and I’ve tried to be positive and attentive and supportive.

But there’s been no more passion or physical intimacy. This morning I thought I might just at least partake a bit in something physical. And I pushed the limits just a bit by trying to hug and touch a breast. And I was promptly pushed away. So much for that aspect of starting over. It is too much of a burden to try to live with someone who is so obviously turned off and repulsed by me.

The above was written a week ago, and no changes from that as far as where we are. I just sat on it sort of hoping I could just sort of let it all go, but no dice.

But at least this is more on-topic than a high speed internet binge!

D.