Summer Simmer

While things simmer on the blogger discussions, I think I’ll do a bit of an update over here. Basically I always write off-line and then cut and paste either from work or from home. Writing and most reading is done on the PDA whenever I get a chance. So taking advantage of time otherwise spent waiting is one way I can make this blogging gig work. And it is a big gig.

Because of our orientation to each other while sleeping, small gestures of intimacy or affection are rare while Arwyn and I sleep. But when they do happen, they take an unconventional form. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was sound asleep until I awoke to Arwyn massaging my feet. That was just too wierd because Arwyn HATES touching my feet or having anything of hers touch my feet. I think she could have been doing it in her sleep. But is was still nice all the same. Of course, when it happened there was an internal debate about what to do. Should I push it and see how far this might go? I opted to just enjoy it and went back to snoozing.

Sometimes, our oldest will get up and try to get in our bed between us. Since he orientates himself as to be aligned with Arwyn’s position, I frequently get kicked by two pairs of feet. Early, early this morning I was awakened by a leg draped across my chest and a foot right there. I held the foot, and was not exactly sure whose foot it might be. I followed the foot to the ankle to the leg and figured out that it was, in fact, Arwyn’s. So I began massaging it. This was greeting by her jerking the foot away and a swat to my hands. I stopped massaging and the foot went back to where it was, right there. I could hold the foot, but caressing and massaging were out. I know, because I tried it again.

It was another of those oddball things. I liked her touching me and me touching her, which is such a rare thing nowadays. If she makes whatever overtures, I accept them. If I try to do much more, I get greeted by a swat to my wandering hands. Such is life with a choleric wife, who is clearly too controlling to be submissive but too lazy to be dominant.

I have continued to be smoke free, totally so for days and days. I’ve even had a few glasses of wine with zero relapse, which was a big fear of mine. I thought drinking might bring on total failure and relapse. But it has not. Oh, the craving is still there. I know I could go back to smoking any second. The addiction is a strong thing and it has taken much to overcome all of the behavioral things that became a part of my enslavement for so long. I smoked every single chance I got and used it to calm myself and to psychologically soothe and relax myself. It was a form of self-medication. Ridding myself of those habits is a difficult thing. I’ve had this since 1988, and it will not die easily.

Arwyn’s presence does help with this, although she has said absolutely nothing about me quitting. I know she must know, as she used to complain about how she always smelled it on me. For the longest time, this was her excuse for not wanting to kiss me and for not ever kissing with any tongue. It was all a ruse. Endless excuses. While her approval and her behavior is not critical, central or necessary to my decision to quit smoking, I do know she is around. She may not act like it, but she is paying attention. I have always been sensitive to her and her allergies which is why I always took it outside. Ironically, she has been complaining more about having breathing problems in the past 3 weeks than ever before!

One more thing before retiring this post: Always Aroused Girl has recently made it clear that she is throwing in the towel as far as her marriage. I hope she finds all she is looking for and wish her nothing but the best in what will be a new chapter for her. But I also grieve a bit. She was someone who I saw as a female counterpart in a similar struggle as mine. Now her struggle is taking her to a different place. I hope it is a better one.

D.

Happy B’day Arwyn!

Arwyn’s birthday was yesterday and I really did try to make the best of it. The boys were both really into it, especially the whole thing with the cake and candles. But I was exhausted from being up so late the night before baking the thing! Yes, I made the carrot cake totally from scratch while cheating on the cream cheese frosting. Arwyn doesn’t much like frosting anyway, so it was a pretty thin layer.

I also made my version of bourbon chicken, which she requested. Again, it was some serious work but went off pretty well.

I did find a $40 camera that met the minimum criteria for a digital camera, but still a far cry from the Nikon she had. She may end up taking it back. If anyone would have asked either of my boys what their mother wanted for their birthday, they would have told you: A camera and money. I suppose the whole money thing is entirely more practical than world peace, a happy home or good health. But I’m sure that’s exactly what she wished for when she blew out the candles. She got the camera plus $50, so she can get a better one if she wants. But I don’t have anymore to give her right now. I’m sure her Dad sent her a fat check, so she’ll probably have a lot more to spend this weekend.

Next week we have our 10 year wedding anniversary. We have not made any plans and haven’t even really discussed it. Any bets?

I have more thoughts on some conversations working their way around blogland, but not a lot of time to post. I’ll just do what I can, when I can and try to keep up with the reading!

D.

Dogmatic

I had a flash of an idea and needed to get to it before it became losy.

 

Christian Husband is making an issue out of his wife not being able to orgasm from intercourse.  The literature on this indicates that this is true for many women, if not the vast majority.  I don’t think he has problems with that as much as he has problems with the fact that his wife is so rigid in not even trying.  That part, I understand totally. 

 

Rigidity is a hard thing to deal with, because it seems a rigid person is so brittle and prone to breaking.  A person can be tough without breaking, like the head of a hammer.   But if they are rigid, they are actually less tough.

 

I just thought I would shed additional light on rigidity from another point of view.  Arwyn has a difficult time reaching her orgasm.  In fact, I could not tell you the last time she had one or even if she has ever definitely had one.  I have been with other women who had them and left little doubt as to what was going on.  Arwyn has not been so definitive in her physical responses.

 

Arwyn is dead set against oral sex.  Totally.  I went down on her on our wedding night and that was the last taste I ever got.  Arwyn has not ever let me use my fingers on her.  I barely get to touch her breasts.  So she has arranged things such that the only possible way she  an ever reach orgasm is through sexual intercourse.  So this is where her efforts (historically) have been rigidly fixed.

 

Like so many of the sex-starved guys, my capacity to last is directly proportional the frequency of sex.  More frequency = me lasting longer.  Historically speaking, of course since we have not had a frequency surpassing 1x a month for the past couple of years.  So I have heard complaints about how I don’t stay hard long enough.

 

Fucking a relative stranger would be a lot easier in many ways.  Emotional connection can enhance love making.  But emotional conflict just makes it a bother.  We have a history of sexual conflict, pain and hurt.  We are building a history of distance, or so it seems.  Even a relatively HL person like me feels totally confined within a sexual straight jacket to the point of being turned OFF. 

 

Being dogmatic and rigid are sure ways to kill sexual interest for almost anyone given enough time.  I never thought I’d choose a “no sex” option over bad sex, but I guess I have.

 

 

Thoughts on Dominance

I’m away on business, but having a good time reading and writing courtesy of my PDA.  Beats whatever is on the hotel cable, any day.

 

Okay, I have a good intro the submissive husband quandary on Unsolicited Advice.  So where do I fit in?

 

I have tried on both hats.  I’ve done some Domming (totally weird, but true) and tried a submissive approach.  I think I am a true blue switch.  I do have a real sadistic streak that I need to watch which goes way above a simple dominant preference.  I think with the right person, it could be a totally hott time but I would need a bit of time to really discover it fully.  I didn’t know anything about it when I was actually doing it, I just knew I was turned on.

 

The submissive side is more fully explored in this blog.  I have delved much deeper into subspace, and am sure I could get off on that with the right person at the right time.  I am not a masochist, though, and am not sure if I am a very good sub. 

 

When locked in the cage, I still had to struggle with some resentment issues even back when Arwyn tried holding the keys.  I remember she had them and my birthday was coming up.  My birthday came, but I didn’t!  I had done 3 or so days, which at the time seemed like a lot and she flat out forgot about me!  Okay, this could have been hot with some good teasing.   I asked if I could get out and she said maybe the next day.  That was sort of in the spirit of the deal, but she forgot again!  When she finally remembered, I think she just put the key out by the bathroom sink or something…totally anticlimactic…in a matter of speaking.

 

The problem Arwyn had was that she was a lazy dominant.  She wanted nonsexual benefits, but did not want any work or responsibility.  In a way, I understand that the chastity thing was supposed to be about her and not me and I did very poorly with that.  Granted, this supports my position that I am not a good submissive.  It’s not like I had any real training in this, you know?  I really had something more in mind in line with Mistress Misato’s descriptions of the use of female sexuality in order to achieve mutual satisfaction that both partners would and could enjoy.  I think I would love having my wife sit on my face!  But she never has, so the likelihood is extremely remote that she ever will.

 

Fact is, there is neither dominance nor submission going on here as we are in a bit of a stand-off.  Neither of us are having sex.  I’m not asking and she’s not offering.  I’m not offering and she’s not asking.  It’s ironically about as balanced as it’s ever been, short of that initial lust phase where we humped every day morning, evening and sometimes in-between.  She now says that she did feel pain during many, many of those encounters….why the hell didn’t she speak up?   She didn’t quite know what to say and it seemed to make me happy at the time so she went along with it.

 

Because of this neutrality thing, we haven’t been fighting or arguing.  There is a distinct lack of conflict in our house.  Isn’t that a good thing? 

 

There is a cease fire in the War for Intimacy.  Yeah, I know many of you struggled with that term.  I was using “war” as hyperbole trying to illustrate an assertive, aggressive and sustained campaign.  And it has become a quagmire of sorts as I’ve run low on the emotional resources required to sustain the effort.  As Emily pointed out, there has not been any meaningful JOINT effort.  And I’m not very hopeful of that happening in the near future.  Sad, but I’m also not looking at separation or divorce as solutions, either.  I can not change Arwyn.  She is who she is.  If she is dominant, nothing I do will make her submissive.  If she is submissive, I’m not going to make her dominant.   I can only change and influence my own affect which does ebb and flow.  In a way, I’m arriving closer to a point where I do not rely as much on Arwyn for my happiness.  I’ve discovered other interests and diversions, just like she’s developed hers over the years. 

 

I’m pretty smoke free this week, which is no small thing.  Taking a long drive was a big concern and being out of town on my own especially.  The temptation is enormous!  This addiction still has me in its grip, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be psychologically free of it.  It really is a lot like this differentiation process I’m going through with Arwyn.  I was just as psychologically tied in with her moods and her actions and how she treated me and whether or not she was affectionate.  I still think about those things, obviously, but I’m trying to learn how not to let them consume me. 

 

We’re slowly, slowly making progress in the War on Debt.  That was the purpose of this business trip, in order or get one less debt on our heads.  Ironically, I had to use my Visa for the hotel in order to get things going, but hopefully it will be money well spent.  Besides, this thing gets paid as soon as I get home, anyway.

 

D.

Words About a Desert

 

Living in the wildness of a desert isn’t so bad once a body gets used to living with little to eat or drink.  Afterall, everything else out here is hot and dry.  You just sort of get on with the living.  There are memories of what it was like when it was lush and green, but those memories fade over time.

 

Last night we went to the Braves game in Atlanta.  The boys did a great job and we had fun.  By the time the rainstorm hit, they were ready to go, anyway.  The rain poured down around the stadium and we waited about 45 minutes before it let up enough so we could go out, catch the shuttle bus and go home. I remember thinking that at least the garden would get some much-needed water. 

 

We live a considerable distance outside the city, and as we drove home, the rain diminished more and more until we go to our area; it hadn’t rained a drop!  

 

The symbolism was not lost on me.  While it the stadium was getting drenched, our house continued to languish in the dryness and the heat.  Being in the stadium during the first 5 innings, and seeing hoards of other people, you sort of see what else is out there.  Couples on dates, the kiss cam, PDA, and then a body starts seeing the things that are missing.  At one point they had a couple on the big screen who were celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary.  Wow!  I couldn’t help but feel a sadness about that.  I was happy for the couple and their family.  But I wondered: will Arwyn and I make it to our 20th anniversary?  We’re about to celibate our 10th anniversary in a few weeks.  Last year, we had talked about trying to do something special, but there has been no talk of doing anything the last 6 months. 

 

And then there’s Arwyn’s birthday coming up in a couple of weeks.  She is still lobbying hard for a digital camera.  Before going to the game, we stopped at the Super Walmart and ate and then I bought a brace for my bum knee.  She wanted to buy a disposable camera.  I had my digital camera, but this was not acceptable to her since mine is an old Intel web cam that takes 480 x 640 pics.  I’ve taken thousands of pics with it, but she wants a better one of her own.  I told her I wasn’t going to spend the money on it, so she said she’d buy it herself.  Trouble is, she will come after me for money for something else later because she squanders hers so easily.  It’s part of her strategy to spend money that way, because that’s one of the reasons why I got her a digital camera in the first place. She was spending hundreds of $$$ on picture developing.  I don’t think that will work this time.  She could try to persuade me or entice me, but blackmailing and bullying just ain’t cutting it.  I’ll give her a $50 gift card and she can squander that how she pleases.  Her dad will probably send her ample birthday money, anyway.

 

Her attempting to use these aversive tools in order to get her way is pissing me off.  Therefore, I don’t feel too compelled to give as much consideration to her wishes since she seems content enough to ignore mine.  Unfortunately the good doctor was out this morning when I called.  Stupid holiday week.  Try again tomorrow.

 

 

D.

Thoughts on the WordPress Community

 I’m discovering more and more niftiness about this little community.  I also discovered that you all helped this site make the top 10 “fastest growing blogs” list for a few hours the other day.  How cool is that? 

 

WordPress is a smaller entity than what you all are used to on Blogger.  But it still boasts a membership of over 250,000 which isn’t too shabby.  Being this size, amazing things can and do happen occasionally.  On one of my other blogs running on WP, I wrote a short entry kind of panning a book I had read excerpts from.  Lo and behold, the author’s publisher left a comment and then emailed me, offering to send me a free, autographed copy of the book!  How cool is that?  Then I had someone who was apparently an aid for senator Kennedy offer to discuss some policy things with me after reading my blog.  Is that wild, or what?  I declined both offers, because I like being anonymous.  It’s cool being famous but I cannot do what I do comfortably under too much searing scrutiny.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

 

If you look off to the right, you will see categories in the sidebar.  This is not new, as I’ve seen these things in Blogger, too.  If you want to read posts about chastity, you simply click that category.  Cool.  But there’s more.  If you click the category name at the bottom of the post (for instance, “chastity”), you can see all WordPress articles using that category; not just mine, but other authors as well.  I wonder if that Catholic writer has done that…

 

Doing this has lead me to some other cool blogs and sites.  My WP blogroll is more extravagant than the exclusive club I have on Blogger.  If I’m looking at a WP blog that I like and I’m logged in, I can simply click “add to blogroll” and it is a done deal!  If I visit the site later and I see the author has dissed and offended me, I can click the “remove from blogroll” button.  Can’t get much simpler than that.

 

WP has recently enabled custom headers, which I haven’t gotten around to playing with, yet.  I’m just not as adept at doing that sort of graphic work, like Artful Dodger.  I might get to it eventually.

 

The more I use WP, the more I like it.  There are still a few little things to be desired, like the ability to put in polls and use stat counters in the free hosting version.  But this thing is still friendly and robust.  It comes with its own stat function which is adequate, but some people will want a lot more.  I would definitely recommend this for Blogger people looking to start a second blog or those who are brand new to blogging and thinking about it. 

D.