02/20/2006
Monday
Rodney Dangerfield:
"I know the only reason I get any sex at all is because of who I am…
A rapist."
Even after doing a bunch of reading, I don't have much to write. Usually you all can inspire me to write something.
Since the last entry, where I felt like I was raping, my wife, I have backed off. I don't want to diminish whatever experiences readers have about the subject. But reluctance would be the high point of my wife's interest in me. Unwilling tolerance was the dominant feeling I came away with.
No, we haven't talked about it. Some of you would probably want to talk to the person who was sexually abusing you. But I suspect that most people who were victims of this would NOT want to talk about it with anyone. And an abuser would not want to talk about it either. It becomes a dirty little secret between the victim and the molester. Many of you have been victims of serious misuse. Arwyn says she has not, but I don't think I believe her. That tense, stiff, anxiety-ridden, defensive reaction is not natural.
I've been thinking about my new role as a sexual batterer. A sexual predator. A criminal for wanting sex with my wife. That's sort of how I feel. After all, I am touching her for the purpose of sexual gratification. Is it really consensual? It's about as consensual and voluntary for her as my stretches of celibacy are for me.
Under Georgia law, sexual battery is considered a lower form of rape. It is considered a high and serious misdemeanor punishable by a $5000 fine and up to a year in prison. It basically means the touching of anyone’s groin area, buttocks and chest area on women. If there is penetration, it is aggravated sexual battery and is a felony punishable by 10 to 20 years in prison. Basically whether or not it is considered a crime hinges on whether or not it is consensual. These laws are not gender specific, so theoretically they apply to both men and women. There is no provision in the law as far as marital status that I could see, although I'm sure it would influence court proceedings.
Interestingly, fornication and adultery are both misdemeanors in the state of Georgia. Sodomy is also a crime defined by oral or anal sex. However, the state Supreme Court has ruled that people engaging in consensual sodomy in the privacy of their own homes may not be prosecuted. This brings a bit of a smile, as I had a girlfriend years ago that I would suggest having oral sex by saying, "What do you say we go ahead and break the law tonight?"LOL! Back then, it was kind of exciting being an outlaw of a sort.
But rape lacks the luster that consensual sodomy or fornication held.
I've actually read of women who were groped by their husbands comparing it to a form of sexual assault. They complained mightily about being handled all the time. They were certainly not willing parties to these unwelcome sexual advances, were they? So how can a woman decline such advances without calling her husband a rapist? She could defer these advances to a later time when they were presumably more welcome and appropriate.
If such advances are never welcome, then it sounds to me like a form of entrapment. But there are no laws in the Georgia criminal code where not having sex is a crime. Basically, anyone who wants sex and has an unwilling partner (or no partner) is a potential criminal if they try to have sex. Even masturbation can be a crime in certain circumstances, although I've never heard of a woman being prosecuted for it.
D.
Reality & Redemption 
You need to lighten up a little there sweetheart! Good grief! Your post never once brought to my mind that you did something so horrible!!! You wanted intimacy with your wife!! You wanted to share love with her! You’ve been trying to break the barrier for eons and now this?? You shouldn’t dabble in such thoughts!! You are not anything of what you’ve now posted! Oh to live with such feelings and thoughts. You need recpite!!!
You need lots and lots of hugs.
I have nothing else to offer as I am still picking my jaw up off the floor! I am at a great loss of words and thought.
As a man I don’t thjink that you have done anything that would be considered rape. Although given the reactions that you have described that she gives you I can see your point. It can make you feel that way. All you are looking for is a little intimacy. Maybe some states should start incorporating laws saying that a spouse withholding intimicy for long periods of time is a crime also. Would never go through but just a thought.
You bring up an interesting topic though. As a victim of sexual abuse (yes guys can be victims too) I’m not sure if I woiuld want to confront my abusee. Actually I do now but that would just get me into a lot of trouble.
I’ll post more on this in a bit.
CH
Digger I agree you do need lots and lots of hugs. Your post has hit a spot that I have over came years and years ago, I’ll not elaberate as much.
I’m a survior along with two of my siblings my brother was found in a bathtub of cool water half unconscious, badly beaten, to this day we don’t know if he can have children of his own. Him and his wife have recently adopted a little girl. I’m very proud of him he and I have come along way since 1986.
I can’t speak for your wife I can say this. It took me a very long time to trust any guy. Including close male family members, eventhough they wouuld not have hurt me.
With lots of counseling and years of love that comes from close family I had to relearn how to hug an uncle that has been in the family for a long, long time who whatched us grow into caring wonderful adults.
Wow… I’ve been visiting for a while, but this is my first comment. You are REALLY tough on yourself. Personally, when I think rapist, its so vile I can’t possibly put it into words. Its certainly not someone who wants to carry on a loving and sexual relationship with his wife. Like c-marie, I don’t have much to say, other than for you to try to cut yourself some slack.
“A criminal for wanting sex with my wife.”
You know when things get to this level of feelings in a marriage then I say you’ve got only two choices, both of which you refuse to do – so far: either get a divorce or get some “proper” counseling for at least yourself, if not much more preferably for both you and your wife. This train of thought is nothing if not very destructive long term. Just my personal opinion as always.
Ditto what “Rob” sais. If you are at the point of viewing yourself as raping your own wife, then the future bodes ill for you.
I agree you seem very hard on yourself, Dig. Your last post showed that Arwyn is quite assertive (using her hands to block you)about whether you can touch her or not, and where, and you seem to respect those boundaries.
But actually, I think you are raising some feelings that do arise with the CL problem. My partner and I are doing much better nowadays since I said *he* had to come up with a plan to address our issues, and *he* has to initiate. I hate the feeling that he might be reluctant.
Emily
Digger, you can’t keep on this way. You’re killing yourself. Get to a licensed therapist to talk about these feelings.
I know your are a Christian man, and from this post, my friend, you sound soul-sick. Please, please, go get help.
I must agree with the others, I’m afraid. i did not see what you did as rape. In your past posts if she said no or rolled over you never violated that. She did not tell you no, nor did she pull away from you. Though her grudging tolerance is disturbing, I see that as her problem not yours. If she was victimized here it was only by herself, not by you.
This seems to be destroying you from the inside out. Please seek help or get out. Who knows why she is holding herself captive in such a mindset. Please do not let yourself be drawn in too.
Digger – This is indeed a very unhealthy situation. You need to talk regularly with a therapist. Or if you prefer, perhaps someone in your church (not my preference, but it works for some). I see a therapist every other week for one hour, and its been very productive. A good one is worth their weight in gold.
A bad one will end up validating your other course, which unfortunately seems to be divorce. But in the months I’ve been reading your blog, this situation has only gotten worse, and your mindset seems to be deteriorating.
Best of luck moving forward!
You’re up for an award as one of the most patient people blgging. I don’t think you’ve left many or any cards unturned. There came a point in my first marriage where I started pushing him away, but the intimacy was long gone by that point. And there was the time at the very tail end of our marriage, where he announced, at the finish of what I thought was the first decent sex we’d had in ages, that “sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do”. So I guess from that, that he felt he was taking me against my will, and he didn’t give a care.
I associate rape with an element of fear; or with one person saying definitively NO, not joking around, and the other person makes advances anyway until they have their way.
You guys have been dancing around in circles. Time to stop and take a different approach.
You essentially force your wife to have sex when you clearly KNOW she is unwilling. Sounds like rape to me.
That’s illegal, you know. You really should stop.
Maybe your wife would even start liking you again if she didn’t have to go through that god-awful experience ever again.
I figured you’d read enough of the sugar-coated comments. You need to hear the harsh reality, too.
I don’t think talking the wife into a handjob once a month constitutes rape. Furthermore, I think there are *plenty* of wives who would attest that they’ve had sex with their hubbies unwillingly – just to get them to lay off for a while. It might not be *healthy* for a relationship, but it’s certainly not rape.
I went to the first online dictionary that Google brought up, and typed “rape”. Here’s the first definition: “The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.”
Doesn’t say anything about excluding handjobs. Doesn’t say anything about excluding spouses. I stand by my original comments.
You are bloody kidding me????
If this is the case then its time to find a willing partner. Bloody hell this riles me more than you know.