General Response to Comments

Okay, that last statement on my last post was just sort of flipped out there. Count that as an unintentional troll. My condescending prickishness coming out, just to display it for the doubters who have wondered if I really could be one. I can and I am. A lot of the time, anyway. I’m still working on the list, and the objective of the whole discussion was to see how well they applied and to see if the two new additions were as applicable as the original set. And I’m even adding more.

Apparently, if a person is a truly LL, they will have most of those characteristics as opposed to just a few. Yes, they are similar and linked together and some might be consolodated. But they have stood up for several years so they’ll stay as is for the time being. The purpose of identification is a simple one: to help others avoid potential pitfalls if they are starting new relationships. If you are LL, it would be beneficial to pick someone who is like minded just as much as for the HL folks. Like depression, LL can be situation specific. If a loved one dies, grieving can look a lot like depression and is a healthy and natural thing. Depressed libido has a host of causes and signs, sometimes temporary and sometimes long term. I’m teasing out chronic, persistent signs that a person can look for. I’m looking at the red flags. Sex is not the only aspect of a relationship a person should consider in a potential partner, but for people who value an intimate sexual relationship it should be one consideration. Many of these characteristics could be known well before sexual involvement, such as the kissing, discussing sex and discussing fantasies. In fact, that was the major purpose of the original Top 10 exercise, to find things a person could look for before marriage that might indicate trouble.

One other reason to think about these things is to have talking points should you end up in the counselor’s office. If Hypoactive Sexual Disorder is a possibility, that is a useful thing to know, as many insurance companies will only pay for counseling and mental health services if there is some diagnosis.

Someone must have linked to me, because I got interesting and insightful replies from a host of new folks who had not previously commented on my blog. One of those being Emily, who wrote a fairly lengthy comment, basically telling of her experience on both sides of the issue. Her comment and others have given me cause for pause. There are a number of women who have seemingly spanned the spectrum of LL and HL over the course of their relationships. This is a sort of hopeful sign for those of us guys stuck in such relationships, because this indicates that things can and do change. (And Emily, dear, you have excellent material for your first blog post!LOL!)

One general trend of thought is that there might not be a predisposition towards a low libido at all, but it is circumstantial and based on mood, pressure or the appeal of the partner. But my list would indicate otherwise, i.e. that there are legitimate signs that a person might be naturally less than sexually charged. I might be willing to test this hypothesis on some of you, should you decide to participate. I might develop my own little survey and encourage a few of you to respond. From these responses, we might be able to determine the consistency of of the signs of LL and HL. For instance, if I ask Desirous to write about her favorite sexual fantasy it is going to look a lot different than something FTN’s Wife might post. In fact, I seriously doubt that she (FTN’S wife) would post such a thing at all, because a cardinal characteristic of a person who is LL is a lack of willingness to even discuss the topic of sex. This is opposed to Dewdrop who has issues with her husband but still finds hunky guys that she might fancy and think about.

Back to Emily’s post (apologies to Miss Manners), over the years I have gotten to a point where I can be more understanding and a lot less demanding. I’m not demanding sex every night or even every other night. In fact, I’ve actually gotten to a point where NOT having sex becomes its own sort of foreplay.

And since it came up earlier, yes there is some expectation that sex might occur eventually when wearing the cage. Only a truly LL person would react to that as overwhelming pressure where just the idea that sex might happen eventually becomes such an antecedent for anxiety and distress! The fact that they would have such control that is overtly acknowledged and agreed upon becomes too much for the LL mind to handle. They seem to prefer the covertly understood arrangement of control. I suppose the LL can fool themselves into believing that they will never have to have sex again as long as the arrangement is never explicit. Once it is spelled out or there is some sort of legitimate responsibility involved, then they feel manipulated and controlled. It becomes yet another chore.

One more point that is worth mentioning again and again is my general opposition to the idea of sex-on-demand. I believe that intimacy should be a daily part of a well-balanced life, but it does not mean that every intimate thing should culminate in an orgasm. In fact, I’m in favor of letting passions simmer and heat up over time. The LL person is against the idea of passions simmering, though. They don’t like sexual tension because it causes anxiety, worry and general discomfort. This is why LL individuals object to my use of the cage; it definitely raises some sensual heat. It does increase sexual tension. While I’m not trying to control Arwyn with it, she definitely senses it. Her holding the keys makes that tension even more real. Too real. And she has admitted to feeling a lot of discomfort with the whole issue.

Arwyn has gotten better about some things and I’ve gotten better about other things. We are each having to reach across a fairly wide gap. It is still frustrating and lonely to be in a relationship with someone who does not like sex. Or at least sex with me. She is working towards being more generally physically affectionate. We do kiss and touch more throughout the day or evenings we are together. Being caged up draws me closer to her, and a lot more open to her efforts. I can be a sexual person and feel like a sexual person without having to have sex all the time. Just holding hands or stroking her hair become a tremendously powerful and meaningful act of intimacy. Even that challenges Arwyn’s comfort level, sometimes. I try to not be too clingy and at the same time not too distant. I am sensitive to when she is short on sleep, or is feeling sick and stressed and I don’t put more demands on her. I still do most of the cooking. The boys are in school 5 days and she works half-days during two of them. And those two days of work stress her.

I would love the naked date idea! I don’t know if I would do so well unless I was caged up, though. I’m just afraid that nakedness is always associated with sex and sexual tension for me.

D.