Bitch Slapped

Cinnamon tagged and bagged me with this one and since I see it making the rounds, I'm going to get it sooner or later. So we might as well take care of it here:

List 8 traits about your perfect partner, and have to tell if they are male or female. Then tag 8 other people to do this.

Why only 8? What's so magical about that? I actually did a top 10 list on this on my old blog. But I'll go from scratch.

These would be female traits, although looking at Cinnamon’s list, some are simply universal.

1. Passion, as in sensual, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Actually that's almost 4 things in one, isn't it? Okay, I stole and refined it from C's list.

2. Earthy. I'm weary of the "Ewww Factor" and someone trying to create a synthetically sterile environment. But this also has to do with how they relate to nature and natural things. Don't go all homeopathic and Wiccan on me, just recognize the natural order of things. Bugs, animals and plants have their place. Maybe a farm background would be beneficial. Yeah, someone who has been shit on and can still finish their chores before cleaning up.

3. Mastery of the Madonna/whore thing. Be respectful in public, but get freaky in the bedroom. Don't be afraid of being naked around me in private. Be a tease in public.

4. Physical appearance: non extreme and confident. Average suits me just fine. All women struggle with insecurities about their appearance one way or another and this is okay as long as she's confident with me and my assessment that she's #1 and God's gift to her gender. And to me. Save the shame talk for your neurotic girlfriends. I know you have moles, a pouch and thighs. I love them.

5. Acceptance. Nothing kills intimacy faster that a feeling that you will be criticized all the time. Or at least be willing to work with me on it where we can work with each other. This also means that bit in the serenity prayer: the courage of accepting things we can't change.

6. Perseverance and tenacity. Work through things instead of quitting and giving up. The first part of the serenity prayer: Lord, grant me the strength to change the things I can.

7. Kiss me deeply, passionately and often. And let me do the same.

8. Laugh with me.

While doing this, I actually came up with a companion meme of my own. Pay back is hell, isn't it Cinnamon?

Okay, I'm supposed to bitch slap…er..tag 8 other people with this. Okay…

1. Dewdrop! Ooohh Dewwdrop! I'm sincerely interested in what you have to say on this. And I also know you will take it in the spirit its been given!LOL!

How about some different folks?

2. Summer Rose - Give us (and maybe CH) a clue as to what you're looking for.

3. So Gone - List the 8 and then let us know how BF stacks up.

4. Pretty Peanut - After that HNT, I'm sure I'm not the only guy who is wondering!

5. Cassee - Need to get to know you better!

The last three don't have blogs of their own (yet), so they can answer here or start their own blogs with this one:

6. Broccoli Eater

7. Emily

8. Rob - the token male!

The good news is that you 8 will be exempted from my next round, unless you want to get in on it.

D.

How goes the War on Debt?

01/02/2002

Saturday

I’ve been reading the comments to my last post with a lot of interest. And gratitude. My readers have minds of their own and I never have to worry about a lot of silly fawning. This is good. Plus a lot of you are very smart and thoughtful.

That’s me fawning over you!LOL!

No update on the big fight except Elmo is fine and totally recovered. Arwyn and I are not fighting or anything. I got paid yesterday! wOOt! So did she and so we’re both feeling better. At least until she’s broke again.

I suppose Emily did the best job of laying out what Arwyn’s thoughts probably were on the deal. In her mind, I was an ass about not giving her money to buy medicine for the boys right off. But, as was said by some else (sorry), it might not have been about the medicine at all. And then a bunch of you thinking I’m a wuss for giving in. I can’t tell you exactly what Arwyn’s thoughts are on this and if we can move on, I’m okay with that. But I can tell you mine.

Basically, I gave in because I didn’t want to be depriving my children of medication, even if it wasn’t a life threatening thing. Yes, Arwyn is notoriously irresponsible with money. But I can’t allow my kids to suffer for it. That’s the biggest deal in our relationship. Her well-being is bound to the well-being of the kids. There’s no way to tax her without them being affected. Me, if I don’t get sex, what do my kids care about that?

Impulsiveness has a lot to do with spender psychology. I’m not totally immune, but I am better than my wife. She wants what she wants, and she doesn’t want to wait for it. If it’s something she doesn’t want, then she can put it off indefinitely, like paying certain bills. Or having sex. But once she wants something and gets it in her head, she becomes consumed by it. She can’t live with out it. And it must be NOW!

I want things, but I deliberate much longer. I may still give in to it, but I usually take more time deciding. Once I decide, that’s pretty much it. I’m pretty slow to reconsider. Which is why Arwyn is better off not pushing me on such thinks. Forcing me to decide in the moment will almost always result in a “NO.” Which doesn’t always stop her.

But we did manage to survive the toughest part of the year without charging any more or taking out any new loans or credit. Arwyn, despite impulsiveness, has a vague sense of what I’m trying to do. She really seems to be mostly supportive until something captures her attention and she loses her mind. But she is making some effort. If she gets a new car into her head, it will be on, again.

Usually our tax refund gets consumed into some sort of abyss and this year will not be much different. Except I’m throwing it all at the debt. That 27% interest is killing us. It’s not the smallest debt on the list, but that interest is simply too high to put off any more. I don’t like not having options, and that’s what debt does. I robs people of options and opportunities. You buy shit you don’t need with money you don’t have, and you pay a heavy price for it. At least the Capital One card is history. They recently changed their policy to one where if you are EVER 4 days late on your payment, the default rate goes to 25% automatically. In addition to the late fee. I’m sure other credit cards are jumping all over this.

I see a few other folks have too much month at the end of the money. Desperate Husband is still fighting the good fight and look towards a brighter financial outlook for 2006. And he has shattered my 103 day No Sex record. DH, I salute you!

Confused Husband also wrote a bit about having a checking account gasping for air. Only I’m not sure who the spender or saver is in his household.

……

While writing this, I just had a conversation with Arwyn while she was getting ready to take a shower. no panties, just a sweatshirt she kept pulling down. Teasing me. The topic of the conversation was mundane (vaccinations) but she had my undivided and rapt attention. I can just look at the woman and love her.

D.

I’m Becoming an Orc

01/26/2006

It's been hard to find time to blog with RL work getting in the way. And the absence of material to move tbimgs along. At least until yesterday.

Last time, I was at a spot where not having sex was okay. To be sure, with work stress and age and whatever else is going on, my sex drive has been in decline. I get sick of reading and writing about it all the time. I get sick of being resentful about it. I get sick and tired of being sick and tired about it.

But yesterday morning, I woke up very horny! I had a raging hard-on. I actually thought about getting myself off. Arwyn was waking early enough so I inverted to snuggle her and hold her a bit. And we talked. I finally asked hher if she could use her hands on me and she said okay. Got the towel and it took all of about 45 seconds for her to stroke me off. I said that it was nice, and said that we needed some serious naked time and she agreed and said this weekend might be okay. Hey, so far so good! Right?

Fast forward to the evening.

Because I was hankering for an escape, I hooked up the headphones and watched The Two Towers. Arwyn was busily doing some work for her preschool lesson, cutting stuff out. She is forever cutting stuff out. She had earlier complained about how tired she was, and despite having the day off today where both boys would be in school, persisted late into the evening. About midnight, the real theatrics began. Just as the Ents were going to war. Just as Theodin and Aragorn were making their last ride. Just as Frodo was facing down a Nazgul…

The setting event for this was a rent check that arrived in the mail. Our renter is still two months behind after paying this installment. Arwyn was hankering to get her hands on that money. I told her NO as I was paying down the Target Visa that she had maxed out and we're paying the default rate of 27% thanks to her own being 2 months late before even telling me about it. The agreement was that I would pay the Visa but would also get the rent check when it came. She eventually gave me the check and I filled out a deposit slip and put it in our mailbox to go to the bank along with another check we had. 5 days and it would be in our account. Friday I would have money directly deposited from my paycheck. We are living on the vestiges of a paycheck that arrived before Christmas.

So she is working and I'm enjoying my movie. She comes back from checking on our youngest and says she needs to get him some medicine because he is congested. Allergy medicine that if I could spell Singulair I would tell you what it was. She dais she needed $30…NOW. I took off my headphones and reminded her that I would get paid Friday. 36 more hours, and she could get it. She hasn't given it to home in 3 weeks because she was broke despite all the Christmas money her dad gave her. So he has been doing fine until now. Until Arwyn saw we had a check. A check she wanted. I told her we would wait. Then she went off on how she desperately needed this medicine as Elmo was wheezing and she didn't want him to have to go to the hospital or DIE.

WTF?

I'd had it. I told her that she was being ridiculous and sounded foolish. She could wait. NO, she said, she could not. $30 to buy it tomorrow.

I stormed out of the house, down to the mailbox, got the envelope with the precious check. I threw the envelop at her and then threw the Visa bill at her.

"HERE! YOU CAN PAY THAT, TOO, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! I'M FINISHED WITH IT!"

She was stunned. I was SO angry. Her and her fucking allergies. She's turning the boys into hypochondriac drug addicts, constantly pumping them full of that shit.

She returned the envelope with the checks. Visa bill (which I had already scheduled to be paid through billpay, anyway) and said all she wanted was $30. I was ready to take a road trip anyway, by then. So I drove to an ATM, withdrew $50 from a reserve account we have (and she's managed to mostly deplete) and bought some cigarettes. I was out of them and was willing hold off until payday when Arwyn came down with this crap. At midnight. And I had to work the next morning (under stress). And she didn't. I puffed, puffed, puffed my way home. I put $30 on the counter. She was getting ready for bed, and I was ready to go, too. She thanked me for getting the money. We went to bed and slept.

I don't smoke in the house. Never have. I know some of you are absolutely virulent against smoking by anyone, anywhere. To those who are: Fuck you.

I'm turning into an Orc.

Postscript Epilogue: This morning, Elmo threw up. Threw up food, not mucous. He has some sort of viral bug that the Singulair wouldn't have touched anyway.

And my check didn't go out in the mail at all. Postage went up to $0.39 at some point with barely even a hint of fanfare. Thank goodness I have all those 3 cent stamps from the last time they raised the rate.

So tell me: Any of you ladies ever fantasized about fucking an orc?

D.

Talking About Sex

01/21/2006

Too bad Micheal over at the Psychiatrist's Couch Potato restricts his comments to team members. I'd have dropped him a line.

It's really something that most of the bloggers I read and read me spend a lot more time thinking about sex than actually having it. I spend more time reading about it than having it. I spend more time writing about it that actually having it. In fact, I can not think of anything that takes up so much of my mental energy that I just don't do that much. Except maybe traveling.

The purpose of this blog has been to chronicle my struggle for more intimacy within my marriage. And sex has been a huge part of that. I've worked on defining and refining the entire clashing libido debate. I have learned a lot through the process and from you good folks who have read and commented. Especially those notable die-hards who have hung on through a change of address.

I'll probably still read and write about sex more than I actually have sex, but I'm giving careful thought to it. My sex life has improved, but not that much. Actually, it has gotten less dismal and stopped rocketing on a trajectory of imminent disaster. That's worthy, and I'll take it.

One interesting note: We were on our way to see the Georgia Aquarium (See my review on Unsolicited Advice) and Arwyn and I had a bit of a dialogue…

A: "You know there’s going to be security there."

Me: "Oh, really?"

A: Yes. You're okay, right?

Me: Yeah…I guess. Why? Why are you giving me that weird look?

A: You're not wearing anything…um…that might set it off and embarrass us?

Me: Eh? OOHH! Yeah! I mean, no. No, not today.

A: Good! I'd hate to be that embarrassed. How would you deal with it?

Me: I'd just explain to them that this was an idea that my wife came up with, and that I went along…

A: OOOHHHH no you don't! I have nothing to do with it!

Me: Oh well, it's not an issue, anyway.

I can only imagine what she might be imagining!LOL! For those still wondering, she was thinking of the cage and the lock setting off the metal detector. We both did get kind of a chuckle about it.

I'm not sure it would have set it off, anyway, since my belt buckle didn't set off their little hand wands. But there was a few years ago where a woman chastity belt wearer got caught in airport security. She was a member of the listserv I subscribe to and it was interesting listening to her tell her side of it after reading media reports.

D.

How Do I Score This One?

01/19/2006

Okay, I'm overdue for an update. Special thanks to autumn for answering my questions to her. I hope she had as much fun answering them as I did writing them. I might comment more extensively on her answers later.

Nothing of note on the relationship front has transpired since my last update, except I just gradually got hornier. Until last night and this morning, that is. There was a couple times where I nearly caved to the temptation to get myself off. But I held off.

Last night, I turned in a bit earlier and Arwyn came in and we talked for a bit. About the kids and about where we are with money. We have too much month left at the end of our money, which I knew would probably be the case this month. Every year, January is the hardest to make it through because I get paid mid December instead of at the end of the month, meaning we go 6 weeks without a paycheck. Despite serious efforts to have a reasonable Christmas, we are still behind. Arwyn scheduled Dr. appts. for both boys and herself during this month which totally blows any $ management to bits.

Anyway, she said she had things to do on the computer which meant she was going to be up late and I was on my own. She gave me a nice kiss and hug lasting a few minutes and I got fired up. When she finally left the bedroom, I was seriously on fire! Instead of wanking, I got the aneros and stuck it in. Flexing around and grinding into the bed felt pretty good. But in the end I ended up reading some of you all for an hour or so on my PDA before falling asleep.

I was awoken at 3:30 or so by a hard on, and there are more squirming and grinding. Arwyn slept on the couch, which she does often when she stays up late. But again, it felt really good. I didn't come but did drift off to sleep.

I awoke just as Arwyn went into the shower. I didn't bother her, and she emerged fully dressed and then came and snuggled with me for a bit. Some hugging, some kissing and me grinding into the bed. BAM! I came and felt the Aneros flexing while I was throbbing. I still had my underwear on, and Arwyn wasn't doing anything sexual. I kept my composure straight through. If she had any idea what happened, she never let on. She eventually went to get the boys up and off to school and I got up to take a shower.

So…is it sex? I mean, there was an orgasm. Somebody else was there. But my wife wasn't after any sexual gratification. I'm sure a certain Ex U.S. President would say that it wasn't. But then again, if there was any other woman there, my wife might have something to say about it. Was it masturbation? I mean, it was gratifying, but my wife was there and was sort of participating albeit not totally knowingly.

Questions.

I do know it was relaxing and took off some tension and provided much-needed relief. I still would really like some naked time with my wife, though.

Hey, it's an update and I'm hard pressed to devote the effort and time into writing nowadays. Other bloggers seem to getting a bit fatigued, I've noticed. I'm still working on something else, but it isn't published as of yet. And I'm not saying when it is. Totally separate and unrelated, I've constructed a new world with new characters and new names for the old ones.

But some of you are smart enough to figure it out, eventually. And I may invite one or two readers over who would specifically benefit.

The concept arose from looking over the BoB award nominees. Last year, I had 3 out of the 4 top sex blog nominees on my blogroll; Bliatz, The Goodwife, and Mistress Matisse, who happened to eventually win. This year, Dad Gone Mad is the leading nominee for Best Daddy Blog. Glad I thought to nominate him If you haven't read him, now is a good time, since he is shamelessly producing a steady stream of good stuff in order to claim his title.

I was rooting for the rest of you who were nominated many times over. The sex blog category is probably the most difficult to compete in, with the high level of interest and high caliber of writing.

D.

Okay is Good Enough

01/16/2006

Last week was National DeLurking Week, and you’ll notice that I did not ask lurkers to delurk. Or maybe you didn’t notice. But I did.

I like the idea of 20 or so people tooling through here on a daily basis and checking on the latest drama. I don’t know if I like the idea of 100 people driving through. Quite frankly, my audience sometimes scares me. The folks who comment are very sharp people! Nothing scares a condescending prick more than the possibility (no matter how remote) that he might encounter someone smarter. Actually I have, but my prickishness keeps me from revealing who the smarter people really are. So it could be any of you. Or all of you.

I’ve just recently discovered the joys of the RSS feed. It is awesome. I open up Mozilla Thunderbird, and it automatically begins surfing for all of your updates. Then those get downloaded and I can read at my leisure. I have probably close to 50 sites in there so far, with more being added regularly.

No new drama, here. I am currently replicating FTN’s masturbation-free exercise sans the cage to see how it works. This morning at church, it was nice just having my arm around Arwyn. I do like touching her and being touched by her, not just sexually. I know she does not like to be groped (I wouldn’t mind it some time) and I respect that. Right now, I am okay with things. No pushing, no pulling, no demands. Just us getting along okay. And okay is good enough sometimes. I don’t need sex every night. Oral sex is not a strict requirement although I’d like to add it to the sexual diet some time. But it isn’t worth a lot of drama and resentment. At least right now.

I am starting a new blogging project, just so you know if this one starts to lag. Nothing’s online, yet. I’m just fleshing out the content and shaping it up. It’s more of a work blog so no sex. Sorry!

D.

Are All Orgasms Alike?

Time for a quick update…

I did spend the night with the Aneros inserted Tuesday night, and while the Super O eluded me, I did get some interesting and pleasurable feedback from it, especially during the early morning super wood.

Arwyn did see the doctor about her neck and back pains and turns out she was having some sort of muscle spasms. The prescription he gave her cleared that up fairly quickly. If it was associated with PMS, I can not say. Her hysterectomy was partial, meaning she still has her ovaries meaning she is still at the mercy of her hormones but not like she was before.

I just think it is fair to warn y’all that pleading insanity by reason of PMS does NOT exactly further the cause of feminism.

Wednesday night, I reinserted the Aneros. Arwyn came to bed about the same time as me and we spent a bit of time talking. We were holding hands and my thumb and fingers were caressing hers and she told me to be still. She admitted that the rubbing bothered her and overloaded her nerves. So I asked her if she minded rubbing me. She decided that would be okay, got the towel and used her hands to bring me to a strong orgasm, amplified by the aneros. I didn’t tell her I had it in, and she never knew. But it was very nice. And this leads me to my subject of the day…

A certain reader, while discussing orgasms asked, “Aren’t all orgasms the same?” Just to give you some background, she has never had an orgasm with a man, despite having been married before. And she masturbates often.

My opinion is that orgasms vary widely. For me, getting myself off is at the bottom of the orgasm scale as far as intensity. I can amp that up if I abstain for several days such as after being locked in the cage for awhile.

Intercourse is actually not the highest on the scale as far as intensity for me. Make no mistake, I crave and desire it like nothing else, but it is more for the intimacy involved. A partner giving me a good squeeze with her PC muscles can increase the intensity but orgasmic power is still not quite as much as my other two ways.

The handjob comes next. My wife gets me in a good grip and works me all the way through, which can actually bring me to a state of almost sensory overload. I sometimes put my hand on hers to slow her down. The use of lubrication can increase the sensations of a good handjob and increase satisfaction.

Finally, there is the blowjob. This is at my top of the orgasm scale for me. At least when my partner keeps sucking all the way through e.g. swallows. I’ve only experienced that a couple times and not with Arwyn. But it was a truly massive and moving experience.

But that’s just me. Maybe I’m weird. I’d be interested in knowing if others experience orgasmic variations. Especially women, who can have multiples and multiples of multiples. After the first one, are subsequent orgasms more intense and satisfactory than earlier ones?

Discuss and circulate

D.

Super O

01/10/2006

Tuesday

I do try to answer comments when I can, at least one round. After that, you get the last word!

I share readership with a lot of other guys in similar positions with similar conflicts as mine. Some of them complain same as me. Some have affairs. Some get depressed. A few get really mad.

But my readership is distinctive from all of these other guys in one aspect: y'all have no qualms about taking me to task on a regular basis. Of course, I often dish it right back, farting in everyone's general direction when my blood is up. I seem to be a draw for various stronger-minded personalities than the average blog. This is a mixed blessing. I have no doubt that if I do or say something really stupid, I am going to be called on it by somebody. If it's really dumb, I'm going to get it good. "It" being a big can of whoop ass!

Hopefully I give as good as I get.

So it's about time for a real update. No sex since that last time. I hope I didn't act like too much of ungrateful turd. Is disappointment allowed? I was really okay with things and appreciated her effort. I've told her so. But not in the last day or so.

After a lovely kissing/hugging session in the morning before leaving work, I was feeling kind of hopeful for more of the same when I got home yesterday.

How wrong I was.

I got home later than usual because of my extra job to help get us out of debt. I also went and got grocery shopping and made sure to try to buy her more things she might like to eat and could be just heated up.

From the moment I walked in, she was snapping at me. I left the garage door open last night. I was late. Her neck and back were sore. She got the invoice for a magazine subscription I thought I might get for her. Might get for us.

Christian Marriage Today was one I thought I might try. For $20, it's a bit pricey for a magazine that only comes 4x a year, but the first one is free. But Arwyn complained that it was a waste of money. She hasn't laid eyes on it, yet. We're suppose to get one shortly, and if it doesn't look promising, I cancel the invoice. Anyone else heard of this magazine?

I have not gotten off in over a week. I also have not been caged. So I am a bit more ramped up than usual but not in any sort of real subspace. I'm not making any real promises of the sort FTN has (although I admire him greatly for it) but I am exploring vanilla chastity just a bit.

Well, not quite vanilla.

When reading the Aneros forums, there is some talk about a mysterious and elusive Super O, which occurs without ejaculation. These are more powerful, more intense and can occur in multiple waves, more similar to female orgasms. I've heard of guys having these using tantric sexual techniques, a practice which has a few things in common with enforced chastity disciplines.

Apparently, a number of guys have discovered this by leaving the Aneros in over night. A key component to this is an increased arousal caused by not ejaculating for several days (which is why many of my fellow cage perverts use it). Then, as the erectile wood gets more intense as the night approaches dawn, the aneros begins to massage the prostate. And the body builds tension until released during the Super O. I've been charging my rockets for about a week or so, so I should be ready to go after posting this and turning in. I might even blog about it,

D.

Insecurities

01/09/2006

Monday

Cleopatra and I still exchange emails on a regular basis, although not everyday, twice a day. She reads the blog, same as you all, and is really in my corner as far as making things work. She is always full of insight and we challenge each other.

One thing I’ve given her some grief about is her insecurities about her body. She’s never told me exactly what she considers her greatest flaw and I have not pressed the issue too hard But sometimes in my emails, I make her insecurities seem more of an issue than they really are. She really is a smart, well-read and stable person. But reading a recent entry by Always Aroused Girl about some of her insecurities made me think a bit deeper on this. And another comment by the mysterious Emily pointed me in an introspective direction.

Insecurity is as much of a factor in making sexual demands as control. In fact, the HL will frequently sacrifice an inordinate amount of control in exchange for sexual security, me being a primary example of that. As Emily and others have opined, we don’t necessarily just want sex, we want to be desired. We want our partners to yearn for us the same way we yearn for them. When this does not happen, we become rife with insecurities.

Am I too ugly and unattractive? What is it about me that is so repulsive? Am I too small? Am I too big? Am I too fat? Do I come too soon? Do I drag it out too long? Am I being punished for something? Is she thinking about leaving me or having an affair? What have I done to earn a sentence of lonliness?

Ah, lonliness. If there is one thing I’ve gleaned from me and my fellow HL brothers and sisters in clashing libido relationships it is the utter feeling of lonliness and abandonment that results from being rejected. If a LL is horrified to see their HL partner partaking in porn, how much more horrified is the HL at being rejected in favor of laundry, shopping, cleaning the cat littler and yes, even sleep? Before marriage, we frequently sacrificed sleep for sex. Morning noon and night. Now? We are left alone in favor of chores, work and other activities.

While our LL partners share in the responsibility, the feelings of insecurity and abandonment rest entirely within ourselves. The suffering caused by these feelings is used to justify the porn, the masturbation, the affairs, the kinks and all the resentment and anger we care to nurture.

And we do nurture it, don’t we? Our suffering becomes part of our religion and a part of who we are. What would I write about without all that baggage I have? This entire blog is devoted to my struggle to regain intimacy with my wife. Arwyn admits that she struggles with finding intimacy with me and I can see she is working on it. But is it enough? Or, like Pretty Peanut has expressed, is it too little too late?

For my part, I have had to struggle with my own greediness. When I get sex approaching regularity, I want more. The more I get, the more I want. And it’s difficult for me to wrap my mind around someone who finds something enjoyable that they don’t want to do again and again…unless they don’t enjoy it. Which feeds more insecurity. Why can’t I just enjoy what I’m getting, instead of constantly asking for more?

Because I have no idea if and when the next famine is coming. And since I’m in a position of either begging or just waiting, I feel the need to make every single enounter count, which causes a great deal of anxiety. If I screw it up, chances are I’m going to have to wait even longer.

A frequent complaint by LLs is that they feel like they become objectified and only used for sex, simply providing a service to a greedy, shallow and selfish partner who is fixated only on sex. The HL counterpart to this is being only appreciated for chores, money or other resources provided. A HL person may rely on sex to express intimacy, and to have this need diminished or trivialized becomes akin to rejection and a different sort of objectification.

I was feeling a bit nauseous over the weekend, but was feeling better by Sunday night. Without much physical touch, my insecurities started kicking in and I wondered if Arwyn was mad at me for being semi-bedridden. This feeling persisted until after the boys were on the bus and we spent some time just hugging. This is just the thing; if I want 2 minutes of hugging and she finds something to do after 2 minutes, one second, that insecurity is still going to crop up. Why? Because she’s not doing it because she loves me, she’s doing it to get me off her back and to satisfy the minimum requirement. There is one source, at least for me, of Broccolieater’s x+1. If we agree to having sex once a week, and she does it every week like clockwork, this is still going to look like Emily’s Mercy Fuck. I’m feeling less than fully loved because I’m getting the obligatory bare minimum. She doesn’t want me, because she doesn’t love me.

And I think this is a fundamental hang-up of most HLs. If our partner’s loved us, they would want to make love to us and understand that our desire is a natural extension of our love for them. The LL take is that if we loved them we would be more understanding and less demanding. When we begin treating our partners like they are being selfish and unloving and they begin to act like that, we feel justified. So do they. “Aha! See? When I stop putting out, he treats me like crap! I’m nothing more than his cheap whore! The only reason he is nice to me at all is when he wants to get into my pants!”

Could Arwyn diminish my insecurities by acting differently? She could probably help by not feeding them so much rejection. But it would also be necessary for her to initiate some physical interractions of her own, beyond anything I explicitly ask for/demanded. She could still have some autonomy and control over her own body while respecting my needs.

But most of this falls on me. I need to turn my own mind around. First off, as many readers have noticed, I sincerely and mightily struggle with gratitude. Last time we couldn’t have full-on sex so I got a handjob instead. I was more disappointed in not being inside of her than I was grateful that she spent time touching me at all. I also have a very poor understanding of unconditional love. Yes, it’s what everyone says they want and expect, but most of us do a piss poor job at loving others that way. Children are sort of an exception, but they do not represent a true, adult reciprocal relationship.

I do have a rudimentary understanding of how behavior effects feelings. I will never feel better about Arwyn by treating her badly. In fact, my treatment towards her probably has more effect on my feelings toward her than whatever she decides to do. The worse I treat her, the more space I create for contempt. “Do unto others…” has at least as much benefit for the person doing the doing as the person it is being done to.

D.

General Response to Comments

Okay, that last statement on my last post was just sort of flipped out there. Count that as an unintentional troll. My condescending prickishness coming out, just to display it for the doubters who have wondered if I really could be one. I can and I am. A lot of the time, anyway. I’m still working on the list, and the objective of the whole discussion was to see how well they applied and to see if the two new additions were as applicable as the original set. And I’m even adding more.

Apparently, if a person is a truly LL, they will have most of those characteristics as opposed to just a few. Yes, they are similar and linked together and some might be consolodated. But they have stood up for several years so they’ll stay as is for the time being. The purpose of identification is a simple one: to help others avoid potential pitfalls if they are starting new relationships. If you are LL, it would be beneficial to pick someone who is like minded just as much as for the HL folks. Like depression, LL can be situation specific. If a loved one dies, grieving can look a lot like depression and is a healthy and natural thing. Depressed libido has a host of causes and signs, sometimes temporary and sometimes long term. I’m teasing out chronic, persistent signs that a person can look for. I’m looking at the red flags. Sex is not the only aspect of a relationship a person should consider in a potential partner, but for people who value an intimate sexual relationship it should be one consideration. Many of these characteristics could be known well before sexual involvement, such as the kissing, discussing sex and discussing fantasies. In fact, that was the major purpose of the original Top 10 exercise, to find things a person could look for before marriage that might indicate trouble.

One other reason to think about these things is to have talking points should you end up in the counselor’s office. If Hypoactive Sexual Disorder is a possibility, that is a useful thing to know, as many insurance companies will only pay for counseling and mental health services if there is some diagnosis.

Someone must have linked to me, because I got interesting and insightful replies from a host of new folks who had not previously commented on my blog. One of those being Emily, who wrote a fairly lengthy comment, basically telling of her experience on both sides of the issue. Her comment and others have given me cause for pause. There are a number of women who have seemingly spanned the spectrum of LL and HL over the course of their relationships. This is a sort of hopeful sign for those of us guys stuck in such relationships, because this indicates that things can and do change. (And Emily, dear, you have excellent material for your first blog post!LOL!)

One general trend of thought is that there might not be a predisposition towards a low libido at all, but it is circumstantial and based on mood, pressure or the appeal of the partner. But my list would indicate otherwise, i.e. that there are legitimate signs that a person might be naturally less than sexually charged. I might be willing to test this hypothesis on some of you, should you decide to participate. I might develop my own little survey and encourage a few of you to respond. From these responses, we might be able to determine the consistency of of the signs of LL and HL. For instance, if I ask Desirous to write about her favorite sexual fantasy it is going to look a lot different than something FTN’s Wife might post. In fact, I seriously doubt that she (FTN’S wife) would post such a thing at all, because a cardinal characteristic of a person who is LL is a lack of willingness to even discuss the topic of sex. This is opposed to Dewdrop who has issues with her husband but still finds hunky guys that she might fancy and think about.

Back to Emily’s post (apologies to Miss Manners), over the years I have gotten to a point where I can be more understanding and a lot less demanding. I’m not demanding sex every night or even every other night. In fact, I’ve actually gotten to a point where NOT having sex becomes its own sort of foreplay.

And since it came up earlier, yes there is some expectation that sex might occur eventually when wearing the cage. Only a truly LL person would react to that as overwhelming pressure where just the idea that sex might happen eventually becomes such an antecedent for anxiety and distress! The fact that they would have such control that is overtly acknowledged and agreed upon becomes too much for the LL mind to handle. They seem to prefer the covertly understood arrangement of control. I suppose the LL can fool themselves into believing that they will never have to have sex again as long as the arrangement is never explicit. Once it is spelled out or there is some sort of legitimate responsibility involved, then they feel manipulated and controlled. It becomes yet another chore.

One more point that is worth mentioning again and again is my general opposition to the idea of sex-on-demand. I believe that intimacy should be a daily part of a well-balanced life, but it does not mean that every intimate thing should culminate in an orgasm. In fact, I’m in favor of letting passions simmer and heat up over time. The LL person is against the idea of passions simmering, though. They don’t like sexual tension because it causes anxiety, worry and general discomfort. This is why LL individuals object to my use of the cage; it definitely raises some sensual heat. It does increase sexual tension. While I’m not trying to control Arwyn with it, she definitely senses it. Her holding the keys makes that tension even more real. Too real. And she has admitted to feeling a lot of discomfort with the whole issue.

Arwyn has gotten better about some things and I’ve gotten better about other things. We are each having to reach across a fairly wide gap. It is still frustrating and lonely to be in a relationship with someone who does not like sex. Or at least sex with me. She is working towards being more generally physically affectionate. We do kiss and touch more throughout the day or evenings we are together. Being caged up draws me closer to her, and a lot more open to her efforts. I can be a sexual person and feel like a sexual person without having to have sex all the time. Just holding hands or stroking her hair become a tremendously powerful and meaningful act of intimacy. Even that challenges Arwyn’s comfort level, sometimes. I try to not be too clingy and at the same time not too distant. I am sensitive to when she is short on sleep, or is feeling sick and stressed and I don’t put more demands on her. I still do most of the cooking. The boys are in school 5 days and she works half-days during two of them. And those two days of work stress her.

I would love the naked date idea! I don’t know if I would do so well unless I was caged up, though. I’m just afraid that nakedness is always associated with sex and sexual tension for me.

D.