LL vs. Anorexia

07/19/2005

Tuesday

One of my problems is that while I’m intellectually aware of how a LL feels and have discerned the internal conflict they face (in no small part thanks to Dewdrop’s contributions) I simply fail to wrap my mind around it. I have a major difficulty seeing that it is anything other than some form of mental illness. If things are working properly, a body ought to be craving sex on a regular basis. Sexual anorexia isn’t any healthier than the food-type. And like Lindsey Lohan, our sexual anorexics can’t seem to get a grip on how their abnormally low appetites adversely affect their own health not to mention the health of their suffering marriage.

Like grabbing Ms. Lohan by the shoulders and telling her to just eat something, it seems equally futile to tell a LL to just have sex. In both cases, the person being asked to do a thing might eventually reap the benefits of reinforcement they are just as likely to resent the hell out of it.

Sexual anorexia is such a good analogy that I think I’m going to study it further. There are some striking similarities between anorexia and LL from what I know already:

-Most sufferers are women

-Most have a poor body image

-Most are prone to being crabby

-Most are in denial about their disorder

-Most think their practice is normal

-Most of them ritualize

I want to talk about that last one a bit more. Anorexics generally have some sort ritual surrounding their eating habits. Some may only eat certain foods, some hold their fork a certain way, some don’t let their lips touch the fork. Their eating habits sometimes border on the absurd and compulsive, such as chewing each bite 100 times or only chewing on one side of their mouth.

And so it seems with our sexual anorexics. I’ve heard more than one person complain about how the sex proceeds only one way each and every time. In Arwyn’s case, it always must start with a back and shoulder rub for her. Always. Over the years, she has altered it somewhat. She used to lay on her stomach naked or half naked, which I loved. Now she doesn’t take off any clothes until it is absolutely necessary. We also have to have a towel to clean up any mess before things proceed.

She does not deviate from the the backrub ritual…ever. Even a handjob is preceded by a backrub for her. I like touching her and if that’s what it takes to get her to tolerate my touch, I’m fine with it. It is not a destructive ritual, but nonetheless it reflects the controlling and rigid aspect of the LL lifestyle.

Just as anorexics try to fake eating by pushing food around on their plates, their LL sisters are faking orgasms just to get the deed over with.In fact, I suspect the anorexic approaches eating situations similarly to how a LL approaches sexual situations. They will make excuses, they will become defensive and will generally avoid situations where some sort of performance is expected.

All of this is qualified against the troublesome phenomenon of men with seemingly LL. These guys may have similar issues of control as their LL sisters but I can’t speak to how accurately they fit any other comparisons I’ve made above. I’m not even sure the rare male anorexic fits in with the women and girls that have it. Others can speak to that until I research it more.

D.

Knitting Needles

Thanks for all the groovy comments on my last post. I have an equally provoking entry waiting to be published, but needed the levity provided by someone elses blog before revealing that the best and most efficient way for me to experience the look and feel of lace and silk panties on a human body is to wear them myself.

I didn’t just write that, did I?

Good to see you back, Satan. You’ve been missed. FWIW, your youngling demons have been doing a fine job corrupting my tortured soul.

While browsing various blogs by linking through comments, blogrolls and other such means I did come across a group of them that gave me a new perspective.

Apparently, knitting is back. I’m not sure it ever left, but I stumbled across pictures of young, hot looking women who were knitting. It’s not just for your grandmother, anymore! I always pictured knitting as something done by grandma, or the crazy aunt. But there they were, pictures of groups of young women, sitting in a large open room, drinking beer and knitting. Doubtlessly going on about the screwed up men in their lives.

I just must be naive. I’m sure women of all ages (and maybe even some guys) knit. It’s certainly a more productive hobby than blogging. I had just never considered it. What’s more, I had never considered that people would actually blog about knitting. Or that I would somehow be attracted to knitting blogs. Maybe that will be my next kink. Yarn, wool, sweaters, knitting needles…think of the possibilities!

Okay, instead of posting whatever I had written this morning, I’ll just give the short version…

Last night, I tried to initiate something. I got the usual…nothing. So, I grabbed the towel and stroked myself off right beside Arwyn.

“Beside” needs some visualization. Arwyn and I share a bed, but this fact is misleading. I envision most couples who share a bed, meaning they actually share it, the covers, sheets, blankets as well as the physical space. Before marriage, I envisioned spending time cuddling, hugging and really sharing the space and the time spent in bed and pictured it as a truly intimate experience. Arwyn sleeps on top of the covers, with her own blanket that more closely resembles a throw rug. And she sleeps with her head at the foot of the bed.
and she sleeps more or less fully clothed. This is the inverted position, with my having ready access to the heels of her feet which stick out from under her rug/blanket.

So, with that in mind, I slowly and silently stroked myself off to a nice orgasm by imagining what it might be like to have a wife who would at least occasionally oblige by doing it for me and actually enjoy the act of giving the richest sort of pleasure to her chosen mate.

Help me out; is there any other human experience this side of Heaven, that reveals the sheer enormous magnitude of absolute pleasure than an orgasm? Anyone? Anything? It isn’t all about getting the orgasm. I wish to God that my wife would let me give her one. I want to see the pleasure on her face, and feel the release of her tension and hear the shallowness of her breath. YES! For me, that is the sort of intimacy that is nearly orgasmic in itself. To experience the other person’s joy. By the same token, I don’t understand why even a LL person wouldn’t want to see that from their spouse. Why wouldn’t they revel in their own power to deliver such awesome pleasure? A power that is theirs and theirs alone (or should be) to deliver. Sure, for whatever reason you don’t want to have sex. You don’t like the dripping, messy, icky stickiness. Or you don’t like all the politics of it. Or maybe there is even some physical pain involved. You’re always tired and have too much on your mind to get into it. Okay, I’ll grant you that much.

But you’re telling me that you can not take 10 fucking minutes out of your day to give the ultimate pleasure to the person you said you would love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life in front of God and everybody?!? You’re telling me that you can not derrive pleasure simply from the other person’s joy?

I love my wife and I love my kids. I like playing with my kids. I love tickling them and making them giggle and laugh and squirm. I love hearing the the sound of their joy and their laughter. I hate the sounds of their crying, whining, screaming and other assorted manifestations of pain or misery (real or imagined). What kind of parent would I be, if I did not invest a little bit of time on a daily basis in helping them experience fun and joy? I don’t let them eat ice cream every day, but I do indulge them with little treats on a regular basis. Because my joy is their joy. Just because I wouldn’t like being hoisted over someone’s head doesn’t mean I won’t do it for my kids. They love being lifted by their little ankles and twirled and spun around the room. Not something I’d enjoy, but I do it for them because their fun becomes my enjoyment. Are they selfish for asking me to do it again and again? Maybe. But I indulge them because it does as much for me as them. I do eventually tell them that is enough, and we’ll do something else equally as fun later. They don’t always appreciate my stopping the fun, and that is probably akin to the way a LL feels about the HL always pestering for more.

But the fact that the LL person seems unable to derrive joy from the pleasure of the other person is disturbing to me. The fact that they even resent their partner asking for some pleasure in the first place bothers me. I’m willing to exchange, trade, bargain and pretty much beg for it. And I’m resented mightily for wanting something that is pretty much considered a biological imperative and for actually derriving pleasure from it. That is what vexes me about the LL mindset.

Sorry if I’m leaning too heavily. I do know much of the way the LL thinks, but I don’t truly understand it. I can only identify to a finite point and then I end up lost.

I asked Arwyn last night if she was ever going to open up more to me. Her answer was, “I hope so.”

As if Hope was sufficient to make a thing reality.

D.

Lucky me Really Hit it…

Lucky Me has been hitting some of my major buttons:

I wonder if low libido women ever tease their men… even though they aren’t willing to give it up? Just for that power trip? I always wonder how people can have a low libido. How can you NOT want sex?

Let’s noodle on this for awhile.

In the first place, when LL women think about sex, they are thinking about how to avoid it, how to cool off their mate not how to heat them up. I think much of this has to do with their extraordinary low level of sensuality. Lucky, who obviously has a healthy libido, gets off on the power, the sensuality and the pleasure of the tease, because teasing ramps up the level of sexual tension in the environment. She looks forward to and anticipates the eventual pay off but also enjoys the sustained level of eroticism that is present for as long as that sexual tension is held in place. It’s like sustained foreplay.

It’s for these reasons that LL women HATE the tease. While a person with a healthy libido anticipates the eventual pleasures that await, the LL person DREADS it and mightily resents the implication that there is any sort of anticipated release at all. The anxiety of having to perform at some point in the future, the expectations and the pressure are all aversive factors. Most LL folks neither acknowledge nor take pleasure in the power that they possess.

Which is why the whole chastity play concept falls so flat with Arwyn. She could have total control over me including us NOT having sex, with me being actually fairly happy with it as long as she was involved. But that’s just it. She has no desire to be involved. She doesn’t want the responsibility. Wearing my key around her neck is akin to wearing a millstone. She’s simply not going to do it because it involves extra work and extra bother. For her, it is not a power trip, but a pressure trip. And if you think about it, these are two sides of the same thing. With great power comes great responsibility, and not everyone wants that. Power and responsibility in the sexual arena is anathema to the LL folks. There is no pleasure in it at all.

Lucky’s logic is what got me into the chastity idea in the first place. As a HL person, it made perfect sense to me that if my wife didn’t want sex that playing at NOT having sex would be a viable option. But wearing the chastity cage ramped up the sexual energy to higher and higher levels. I could get excited just hearing her voice, or folding laundry for her or cleaning or just about anything. I was on a quest for her approval.

The attitude of entitlement exhibited by many LL folks also comes into play. Arwyn was probably wondering why I couldn’t be as attentive, affectionate and accommodating all the time without having to wear a cage around my cock. I should just be able to do these things all the time, whether I get sex or not, or whether I’m in chastity or not. The result is resentment instead of appreciation.

Two women, two attitudes. One sees the possibilities and savors the sexual and erotic charge that goes along with the tease. The other one dreads the tension and excitation. One embraces it, the other recoils from it. One anticipates and relishes it, and the other fears and loathes it. Which looks healthier? Which looks like more fun? Who would be more fun to be married to?

D.

Two Major Articles

Stuck in a clashing libido relationship?

I have a couple of articles rescued from my old blog, Sensual Dementia that are now posted over on my companion blog, Unsolicited Advice. Score yourself on my Top 10 Ways to Identify a Low Libido Partner. Milage always varies, but many folks have found this little list informative over the years. I’ll be anxious to hear how folks score themselves and/or their partners. FWIW, Arwyn scores 10/10 on this particular list. I’d say any gap between you and your partner greater than 3 is a cause for concern. But that’s just me. And people do change over time. Hopefully for the better, but not always.

The other article deals with Clashing Libidos from a sensory integration framework, and fits in nicely with the other articles I have posted over there. It’s not as popular, but it might be informative for some folks in trying to figure out what the problem might be. It offers one possible explaination borrowed from the field of developmental disabilities and autism. It is definitely worth a look.

I’m busy working on other stuff but will hopefully be back with regular programming shortly.

D.

Waiting

07/17/2005

Sunday

When I was little, on the farm in Iowa, during the spring the clouds would darken to black, the lightening would flash and the wind would blow. I remember hearing the radio, “If you can hear the sound of my vioce, take cover immediately!”

We would scramble down to our basement which was little more than a glorified damp, dark hole in the ground. If it had been Georgia instead of Iowa, the place would have been infested with snakes. There was one small window that lit the small space everytime the lightening flashed. We could hear the wind howl and the hail pepper the tin farm buildings. It was always dark and always scary waiting for the tornado. We would have our flashlights and a radio. And we would wait. Most of the time the waits were short, but to a kid of 4 or so, it seemed like forever. But what choice did we have? Against such an awful force of nature, there was absolutely nothing we could do except wait for it to either get us, or blow past.

And so it is with Arwyn, sometimes. The helpless feeling of having to hunker down in the darkness and wait. Wait for whatever it is to get me or just pass.

This morning I awoke alone but it wasn’t long before I had some company. Thomas is in the habit of coming into to our room as soon as he wakes up. This morning he drifted back to sleep.

I got up and padded down to hall to find Arwyn laying on the couch with her blanket and pillow. Both of us snore, but Arwyn is less tolerant of that sort of thing so often opts to move. I suppose that’s better than kicking and poking me, like she used to do. If I want to make her stop snoring, putting my hands on her upper thigh or on her breast usually does it.

I gave her a hug and a series of kisses and told her I loved her and just sort of kneeled by the couch with my face against hers, occasionally kissing. I was liking it. Alot. And then it came to me that if I kept up with this and persisted, one (or both) of us was going to end up mad, frustrated and resentful. It was time to stop. So I got up and rejoined Thomas in our bed.

The idea seems to be that when I push too much, too far it spoils whatever goodness there is in a moment. I’m better off just enjoying whatever is there and not grabbing for more. And just walking away.

The reality of the low libido person seems to be that there is always some degree of discomfort along the lines of it being too much, too intense, too hard, too soft, too long, too cold, too hot, too much work, too much effort. A half-full glass is too full.

The high libido will experience discomfort along the opposite line of not enough time, not enough intensity, not long enough, not enthusiastic enough, not hot enough, not cool enough. A half-full glass is not full enough.

It was difficult walking away from a perfectly pleasant encounter. I would have liked to have had the glass filled the rest of the way, but Arwyn was already starting to drown. She complained that the embracing was starting to hurt her back. Plus there was the headache. She was starting to try to think of other complaints but I could see where things were going. Like those early days on the plains, I could see the black clouds moving in from a distance. Time to get back in the basement and hunker down.

D.

The Reality of the Moment

I had a post all typed out, but I’ll use it later, maybe. It’s on my PDA in our bedroom, where Arwyn is napping and since she didn’t get a lot of sleep last night with the kids being up and down all night, I’m not going to bother her.

The Reality of where we are right now at this time in this place:

It’s been awhile since we’ve had an argument or fight…a week or so? Meanwhile, we have spent time together, have talked about nothing too deep and generally just gotten along. There are a couple of things that help. Little, tiny things. One is expressing some measure of affection in the morning. A nice kiss, a hug. The other morning, she was being a busy body and was out of the bedroom to pamper and spoil the children. I was angry at her for totally ignoring me as if I didn’t exist. However, I closed my eyes, took a deep breathe and acted…

I bolted out of the bed, and bounded down the hall and before she knew what hit her I gave her a big hug and kiss, which she returned.

That was it. And that was good enough to last the day.

The next morning, she did make a special effort to give me a nice good morning kiss, or a series of them. Her more intimate kisses and less intimate kisses are differentiated in quantity, not in any quality or duration. But I’m learning to appreciate the intent if not the topography of the behavior.

And so it is, we just sort of do the little things. And those are good enough.

The reality of the moment is that I’m the one who has to drive the relationship forward if it is going to happen. I give Arwyn credit and hold her responsible for controlling our sex life, which the LL always does. However, I do seem quite capable of having a positive or negative effect on the climate of our relationship. The reality is that I do have quite a lot of control over how the day starts and ends. I can choose to be the catalyst for good or ill.

One problem is that neither Arwyn nor I are very bubbly, positive people by nature. In fact, we’re both quite judgemental. There is some very serious effort involved for us to be both positive and accepting. Assuming she is not not going to make effort in that direction, I guess it’s up to me to put forth the effort. This is part of growing as a person; to put other people first, to put up with all the crap, to work hard and hopefully see results. And to accept when things don’t go the way we want.

In the College of Life, Arwyn remains my greatest mentor and teacher. The lessons she’s teaching me are precisely the ones that I’m assigned to learn at this moment. I hope the grading scale is on a curve…

Something else I’ve been thinking about is earlier this year when things were apparently going so well. What was going on? What was different, besides the weather?

Since most of the earlier blog totally disappeared along with a detailed record, I’m left to guess. And maybe I’m right or wrong, but the old blog had one other theme that has not really been at work in this blog; the chastity theme. I did write earlier about it, but haven’t put any other energy into it. I’ve been unlocked since mid May and my sex life has only worsened.

Part of the problem, in hindsight, was when it was good I kept pressing for more and more. I should have just taken once a week and shut up.

One reason why I haven’t locked up, is because I keep thinking, now that it’s been a month I hate to extend things even longer by locking up. But I need to get over that, and just deal with it. What records I have indicate, beyond a doubt, that my sex life improves when I spend time in the cage. And that is probably because of a change in my own behavior. The cage helped combat resentment and all the behavior that went with it. Now that I’ve got things in better perpspective, the cage might be able to do its thing again.

If I haven’t said before, or in case it was missed, I do need to reiterate that I do love my wife. Maybe it’s part of my personality disorder or whatever but I can just look at her and love her. I can just think fond thoughts of her and love her.

This is a fundamental truth; one will never think fond thoughts about someone else that they are treating badly. The better I treat Arwyn, the better I feel towards her and the better I feel about myself. It is irksome and bothersome to always have to be the one to do all of the pursuing, the working, the mending and the building. It seems very unfair, sometimes. But that’s the reality of this moment in time and space. The person who argues and fights with reality will lose, but only 100% of the time.

D.

Emergency Post: Attitude and Blogging

Okay, I’ll be working on this one, since my blogroll seems to be dropping members like it’s some sort of trailer park bug zapper.

In the meantime, I have posted on the therapeutic benefits of blogging here.

True, blogging can be addictive like any other activity. Remember the days before blogs? chances are most of you were IM chatting, playing games, checcking out msg boards and a myriad of other pastimes. You can drop the blogging but it will not remove the problem. Basically, every behavior serves a function, and unless you find a functionally equivelent (and productive) behavior, you will inevitably find some other behavior.

For instance, folks who give up smoking often gain weight. why? Because in the absence of smoking behavior, they picked another behavior that served a similar function and had a similar topography, namely eating.

I would give up smoking for oral sex. Doing and being done. I might even give up eating if I could have a similar schedule of 2-3x a day. Imagine…

Where was I?

Oh, yes, the productivity of blogging. I know that there seems to be a cloud rolling over blogland at the moment, or at least my corner of it. Get a hold of your thoughts. Capture them. write them down!

Then dispute them.

Here’s a couple of links that may be helpful in learning how to do this:

A Website
and
Blogsite

As if keeping a journal made people depressed! Or maybe I’m wrong about this. I’ve been writing since I was an adolescent. Back then, I did think about hurting myself. Once I discovered writing, I haven’t had the problem. I could write journals, stories, poems, letters or whatever. It felt good to get it out. I felt better after having exerted the effort of writing all down.

The interactive nature of blogging is what feels good. The act of “Letting it all out” can be highly therapeutic. Getting support from friends can be therapeutic.

What might be the problem is that we might all be too nice, here. We want to like and be liked. In a true therapy group, folks don’t pull punches, but “get real” and call a body on it when they are being selfish, seeking pity or generally being a prick.

I think taking a break isn’t a bad idea. I think blaming blogging for a poor attitude, depression or general laziness is not. Blogging has only been around for a few years but depression, addiction, laziness and personality disorders have all been around a lot longer.

We’re all nuts around here. I’m okay with being a nut. I like nuts. Especially mine.

I’ve actually seen a number of exceedingly positive blog posts recently, even though I tend to collect the negative ones.

I never thought of my blogroll as being the bug zapper of blogs, but maybe it is!

Anyone else have something to share? Anyone else looking to take down their blog?

FYI, this one that you are reading could and would be the one that came crashing down, should some personal disaster strike. I’m not sure what, but stuff happens. Unsolicited Advice is a more robust animal, and is designed to withstand a lot more pressure. It’s not really controversial at all, which is why it has such a small readership. But it’s based on sturdier stuff, like rational thought, facts and reality.

This place, OTOH, is where I dump the rest of my garbage that seems capable of generating unexpected shitstorms at any time. So I hope you have your rain jacket and boots on. This could get deep and messy!

D.

Reads that Don’t Make the Blogroll

07/13/2005

Thursday

I’m an avid reader, no doubt. I’m also getting to the point where I’m too cheap to buy books. So what am I reading?

Blogs. I adore them. The ones listed on my blogroll are only a few of those I read regularly. Those folks over on the right are co-participants in my own little journey and fit my theme, such that it is.

There are a few that simply don’t fit in my scheme, but I enjoy them anyway. Here are some of my more recent finds:

Ask The Pope: How I found this one, I couldn’t tell you. This writer is skillfully taking on the persona of the new head of the Vatican. He’s actually quite funny and only somewhat irreverent while doing it. He has quite a following and almost everyday someone leaves a comment asking him to stop by their blog and give a papal blessing. Amazingly he does this a lot of the time. Maybe I like him because here is a guy who is actually having sex less than me. The comments are also a hoot.

SC&A aka Sigmund, Carl and Alfred: Square1 plugs him shamelessly and I have enjoyed watching this blog develop. He started out loosely writing from the perspectives of Freud, Jung and Adler on various topics, and occasionally doing blog reviews. Keeping up three different voices quickly became too burdensome, so SC&A is sort of a corporate voice, now. Over time SC&A has become more and more of a political blog, often summerizing stories from others and occasionally adding his/their own thoughts. A very good and insightful writer who more often than not leaves the blog’s namesakes rolling in their respective graves! I had sort of hoped for a more pschologically oriented blog when I first read it, but SC&A has found a different path and does it well. It’s really the only political blog I read. It was this blog that partially inspired Unsolicited Advice.

Katie - Ramblings of a SAHM: Mommy blogs are boring. When one of my favorites goes into mommy-mode I begin to mentally drift if not physically set to scrolling on or clicking another tab. However, Katie is a guilty addiction of mine that will probably cost me my man card. Maybe it’s because she’s cute. Maybe it’s because her family is cute. It’s probably because she can take something ridiculously mundane and make it into a full-blown drama while keeping her humor. Yes, it has to be the sense of humor about having so many young kids and the trials and tribulations of living a normal life while managing her little tribe. In anycase, I’ve found myself getting drawn in. Square has her blogrolled, but I’ve “seen” her around elsewhere and it might have been a comment that suckered me in.

These are just a few of my latest finds. Most of you probably knew about these before I did, but there they are, anyway.

D.

Review: Desperate Husband

In my blog reviews, I usually write how often a writer updates their blog. I suppose I could also tell how often they have sex, since that is often a major part of why people check them out. For instance Square1 ranges averages 1-2x per week but sometimes gets in more or sometimes less. Dewdrop, despite not really liking sex still gives in around 1x per week. C-Marie would like it every other day, but only manages 2x a week if she’s lucky.

Jay used to be up to at least once a day. Now he is down to 1-2x a week if he’s lucky. Rod was getting in 5+ times per month before pulling it all down.

So now we come to Desperate Husband. DH hase been posting for a few months and I still feel like I am getting to know him and his story more every day. The more he tells the more it seems that maybe I know the story too well.

In fact, his is a story of the search for intimacy with his wife, much like some other folks we know. It’s this story line that earns him his place on my blogroll. His writing comes off as more charming than mine for some reason, though. At least it is more charming to me and he does have a fairly wide readership. I think part of it is that he’s not quite as condescending as I am and doesn’t seem to go to as much trouble to alienate people.

He’s having sex 1-3x a month, which is still more than me but not as much as the folks listed ahead of him on the blogroll. For this style of writing, not having sex becomes as much of a drama as having sex does on a regular sex blog. We can read the exploits of Ed, Bliatz, Housewyfe and others who are getting laid on a regular basis and read how hot it is and how they want more of it and it gets us horny and worked up.

This is not why people read DH. I read him because he relates his struggle so well. It’s like being right there as he is trying to raise the Titanic or trying to scale Everest or something. It is the ever-suspenseful drama that draws in a much more sophisticated audience. It also requires more sophisticated writing, a skill DH possesses.

From a reader/fan standpoint, I’d like to see his story kick into a higher gear at some point, with him updating more frequently with reports from the “front lines”, so to speak. But I should say that while a crisis does wonders for readership, it is highly overrated for the person going through it!LOL! Of course, there’s not much he can do about it if life and wife are not providing the material. He just has to continue to make involuntary celibacy something that’s exciting to read about!

D.

Survival Mode

07/12/2005

Tuesday

This morning, I woke up to find my wife had moved to the couch. So O went out and decided to engage in some hugging and kissing. She got annoyed with me, of course. She said she came out there to get extra sleep and that her nose was stuffed up.

I, of course, was feeling SO frustrated. I asked her how she could do it. “How can I do what?” she asked. I asked how she can possibly go days, weeks and months without any sort of touching at all.

“Well, I’ve been under a lot of stress and am in survival mode.”

Survival mode? Stress?

When I asked her whether or not that her aloofness might be a cause of stress, she didn’t have an answer.

Thanks for the comments on the last entry which is related to this one in many ways. Dewdrop is right, in that a good deal of cuddling and kissing is going to rev me up sexually. A stiff wind makes me hard, nowadays.

I’m still trying to get my mind around the idea of physical withdrawal in relation to being around kids all day or being under stress or whatever. I think this is a hallmark clashing libido issue.

Basically, a typical LL person will withdraw in the face of any small adversity, tiff, problem or difficulty. Physical intimacy is the first thing to get thrown overboard when the seas get choppy. There is no problem too small, no illness too minor or no excuse too petty to pre-empt any physical closeness that might possibly result in sex.

The HL, OTOH, sees sex as the cure all and elixir for any and all ills, stresses and problems. The risk here, is that sex actually becomes something that glosses over many of these problems and can actually become a vehicle of its own that inhibits other kinds of intimacy. A HL person, such as myself, will often demand even more once access to a little is obtained. Once a week is certainly not enough to satiate desire and does not really satisfy.

Sexual frequency remains among the top causes of marital discord in marriages today. I think the answer might be in both partners being open to negotiation. The LL partner frequently feels pressured and this is one of many dampening influences on desire. The HL person feels rejected which increases their desperation and decreases all the things a LL claims they need for a meaningful sexual experience such as compassion, understanding and patience. If both could at least be open to negotiation, it might buffer some of the negativity.

In my case, Arwyn frequently will beg off and defer to the next day/night. Unfortunately, getting stood up the next day is an all-too-common experience. Now we’re in an even worse spot because in addition to the desperation and rejection we add betrayal, anger, lack of trust and resentment on top of it. I siimply have a lack of faith in anything she says or promises.

If she promises to do something for anyone else, she makes sure she is there. And even though she might later wish she hadn’t made the committment, she still shows up and acts like she wants to be there. Another one of those deals where a stranger merits better treatment than a spouse.

D.